It has been 2 years since we
last updated you on our Foster Parenting Journey. A lot has happened in 2
years! With the 2 year anniversary of "Joey's" placement right around the corner and November being National Adoption Awareness Month we thought it would be a perfect opportunity to share what has been happening in our journey! How about we start where we left off…
“Damien” (a short-term
placement) was a part of our family until January 2014. He was able to be reunified
with extended family including his 3 siblings (just as the placement workers
told us he would, it just took about a month longer than expected.) The night
we dropped him off we also found out we were pregnant with our first biological
child. I remember experiencing a mix of emotions. We were sad to say goodbye to
Damien. He was such a happy, outgoing and funny kid. In our sadness, we were
also surprised and excited to be pregnant. Turns out the pregnancy was not an
easy one and we were not able to take any more placements. Damien was our
last placement since November 2013!
In September 2014 we welcomed
our first biological child Elijah (real name!) into our family. Our first birth
child was an instant sibling. An instant little brother! In the midst of all
these changes and happenings Joey has been constant. He was placed with us a
week before Damien and he has remained a part of our family for these past 2
years! Joey went from only child (for a week) to youngest to only child to finally oldest child and he
has been the most incredible big brother. It gives us unspeakable joy to announce, we will be adopting Joey into our
family forever, hopefully before the end of this year!
Another thing
we experienced since we last updated is that we moved. We were living in
community with Paul’s siblings and their families in the home he grew up
in. This summer, that home that had been in the family 30 years needed to
be sold and so we all moved into our own individual homes. There were 6
children aged 4 and under on the property and it was a difficult transition at
first for Joey, but now he is thriving as truly the oldest child
in our home and he still gets to see his cousins often!
We are currently looking
forward to welcoming short-term placements into our home. We will be a Way
Station family. This means we will have children placed with us that most
likely have a relative that can take them long-term, but that relative needs a
background check and home inspection first. So these placements are meant to be
temporary, usually less than 30 days. (Damien’s placement is a perfect example
of this.) Our capacity is 1 child of either gender, under the age of 3. We
notice Joey thrives most when he is the oldest in our home and so we are making it
a priority that he stays the oldest for his best interest. Way Station will be
a great way to see how our boys respond to bringing another child into our home
for an extended period of time. One of the nice things about Way Station is
that if we need to take a short break for whatever reason the short-term
placement system makes it easy to do that. We hope to be able to welcome long-term
placements in the future.
The first 30 days of a
placement are the hardest. And we signed up to do the first 30 days over and
over and over again. We are bracing ourselves for a wild ride that will be full
of adjustments, stress and inconveniences but also immeasurable rewards. We
look forward to teaching our boys how to care for people in need and also help
them learn and grow from grieving the loss of a beloved foster sibling. We are
excited to see how these little children will grow each of us to know
God and love people in a deeper and more meaningful way. These precious children will easily give us more in 30 days than we will give them.
We'll keep you posted!
Monday, November 2, 2015
Monday, January 20, 2014
Guest Post: A Foster Auntie's Perspective
We couldn't be nearly as effective at parenting kids in "The System" if we did not have family around to help! They readily give us respite when we are tired or need to attend a class. They instantly welcome these kids as if they have always been a part of the family. They love these kids unconditionally. They choose to allow themselves to become attached (and possibly heart-broken) even though they didn't "sign-up" for fostering.
Our sister-in-law J and her husband D live near us and have two precious kids of their own. Not only have J and D attached to our foster kids, but they allow their kids to attach as well! That can be a tricky thing to deal with when the child is not old enough to express their feelings or understand why their foster cousin has visits with his family or is no longer living with Uncle Paul or Auntie Monique; but J&D are willing to go through this with their own children in order to love these foster kids.
J and I are both home during the work week and have been known to have play dates in the backyard or have shopping trips to the nearest shopping center. Even with two little ones of her own, she is always ready to shower attention, love, kisses, and hugs on our kids. She and D have been such huge supporters from prayers, to meals when new kids arrive, to graciously donating their kids' clothes and toys, to being a listening ear, as well as being willing to be fingerprinted to be able to be a regular/overnight babysitter. All our kids love Auntie J and Uncle D and we are thankful their whole family is nearby and we get to share this experience together.
What follows are some of J's thoughts and experiences about being a Foster Aunt. Thanks, J, for being willing to share your heart, your beautiful thoughts, and your experience only an Auntie knows.
When “Carson” joined our family, I remember watching him stumble around and kept thinking how cute he was…especially his cheeks! He quickly became a part of the family! My son and him became real cousins FAST! They played together, followed each other around, and even fought over toys. Then sweet little “Maggie” came. This little cutie-pie wasn’t with us as long as Carson was, but was loved just as much.
When Monique told me they were beginning the journey of foster parenting, we supported them and tried to help any which way we could. Seeing Paul and Monique’s passion for what God had called them to do was, and is still, inspiring! They’ve taught me that we are all called to love, not just the sweet kids that are in the Foster Care system, but also their parents. Yup! Their parents! Wait a second…it’s their parents’ “fault” that they’re even in the system! Right? Well…yes their parents made a mistake, but how amazing that they are offered a chance to change! How awesome that there are people like Paul and Monique who will love and care for those children, AND for the parents and pray for them. How awesome that in this, we see a picture of God’s love for all...for those that know Him already and for those who don’t. How incredible that God’s grace and mercy is the same for ALL.
I was quick to not like “Carson’s” parents, and didn’t want to give them a second chance. Monique kept telling me that once I met her, I’d probably change my mind. She was right. I had the chance to meet “Carson’s” birth mother, and what I saw was a young woman in need of Christ’s love, grace and mercy. She was receiving it…whether or not she understood it. We mess up all the time, maybe not in the same way as the parents of kids in the foster care system do, but we too, receive the same mercy and grace from God. Who am I to judge these parents? Instead, I have been challenged to love and pray for them, especially the parents of the sweet foster nephews and niece I’ve had.
It is hard to see these sweeties come and go, but the time we get to have with them is seriously priceless. Paul and Monique are doing something incredible and need continued prayer as they pour out love on these little “strangers” that pop into their lives.
Our sister-in-law J and her husband D live near us and have two precious kids of their own. Not only have J and D attached to our foster kids, but they allow their kids to attach as well! That can be a tricky thing to deal with when the child is not old enough to express their feelings or understand why their foster cousin has visits with his family or is no longer living with Uncle Paul or Auntie Monique; but J&D are willing to go through this with their own children in order to love these foster kids.
J and I are both home during the work week and have been known to have play dates in the backyard or have shopping trips to the nearest shopping center. Even with two little ones of her own, she is always ready to shower attention, love, kisses, and hugs on our kids. She and D have been such huge supporters from prayers, to meals when new kids arrive, to graciously donating their kids' clothes and toys, to being a listening ear, as well as being willing to be fingerprinted to be able to be a regular/overnight babysitter. All our kids love Auntie J and Uncle D and we are thankful their whole family is nearby and we get to share this experience together.
What follows are some of J's thoughts and experiences about being a Foster Aunt. Thanks, J, for being willing to share your heart, your beautiful thoughts, and your experience only an Auntie knows.
A Foster Auntie's Perspective
So, I’ve now written and erased twice. I don’t even know how to convey my thoughts and feelings toward my foster nephew and niece. I love these two cuties very much and miss them so much!
When “Carson” joined our family, I remember watching him stumble around and kept thinking how cute he was…especially his cheeks! He quickly became a part of the family! My son and him became real cousins FAST! They played together, followed each other around, and even fought over toys. Then sweet little “Maggie” came. This little cutie-pie wasn’t with us as long as Carson was, but was loved just as much.
When Monique told me they were beginning the journey of foster parenting, we supported them and tried to help any which way we could. Seeing Paul and Monique’s passion for what God had called them to do was, and is still, inspiring! They’ve taught me that we are all called to love, not just the sweet kids that are in the Foster Care system, but also their parents. Yup! Their parents! Wait a second…it’s their parents’ “fault” that they’re even in the system! Right? Well…yes their parents made a mistake, but how amazing that they are offered a chance to change! How awesome that there are people like Paul and Monique who will love and care for those children, AND for the parents and pray for them. How awesome that in this, we see a picture of God’s love for all...for those that know Him already and for those who don’t. How incredible that God’s grace and mercy is the same for ALL.
I was quick to not like “Carson’s” parents, and didn’t want to give them a second chance. Monique kept telling me that once I met her, I’d probably change my mind. She was right. I had the chance to meet “Carson’s” birth mother, and what I saw was a young woman in need of Christ’s love, grace and mercy. She was receiving it…whether or not she understood it. We mess up all the time, maybe not in the same way as the parents of kids in the foster care system do, but we too, receive the same mercy and grace from God. Who am I to judge these parents? Instead, I have been challenged to love and pray for them, especially the parents of the sweet foster nephews and niece I’ve had.
It is hard to see these sweeties come and go, but the time we get to have with them is seriously priceless. Paul and Monique are doing something incredible and need continued prayer as they pour out love on these little “strangers” that pop into their lives.
Auntie J giving one of her foster nephews hugs and kisses!
Friday, December 20, 2013
Our Foster Family 5 for Friday! Vol. 4
It’s been a while since we did a 'FF5FF'!
Truth be told, it was a very difficult week. But being that it is Friday night and the week is over, this edition of '5 for Friday' will be focused on the light-hearted, sweet spots from the week…
1. My highlight of the week happened today when we were playing outside.
“Joey” is a curious boy and is enjoying testing the limits as most children do at his age. He was walking to a part of the backyard where I would not be able to see him and as I called for him to come back, he just stood there and smirked. “Damien” loves to be a helper and said, “I’ll get Joey!” He ran over to Joey and said, “Come on Joey, hold my hand.” Joey obediently grabbed his hand and Damien led him back to me, at which point I thanked both boys and let them know where they could play. Damien let go of Joey’s hand and Joey did not like that. He wanted to keep holding hands, and they proceeded to wander around the backyard holding hands. They even included our niece, although she liked to frequently stop and smell the flowers!
Truth be told, it was a very difficult week. But being that it is Friday night and the week is over, this edition of '5 for Friday' will be focused on the light-hearted, sweet spots from the week…
1. My highlight of the week happened today when we were playing outside.
“Joey” is a curious boy and is enjoying testing the limits as most children do at his age. He was walking to a part of the backyard where I would not be able to see him and as I called for him to come back, he just stood there and smirked. “Damien” loves to be a helper and said, “I’ll get Joey!” He ran over to Joey and said, “Come on Joey, hold my hand.” Joey obediently grabbed his hand and Damien led him back to me, at which point I thanked both boys and let them know where they could play. Damien let go of Joey’s hand and Joey did not like that. He wanted to keep holding hands, and they proceeded to wander around the backyard holding hands. They even included our niece, although she liked to frequently stop and smell the flowers!
2. One day this week our 2 boys and our niece all happened to have on pirate themed shirts. (Using the terms “pirate” and “theme” loosely.) Here’s a pic of them enjoying their snack on the “Snack Step” (the step Paul and his siblings ate their snacks as kids):
3. A favorite activity of the boys and our niece is looking out the window and enjoying the view of the backyard. We had rain this week and they took so much delight in seeing everything get “all wet!”
4. Our adorable 3 year old Damien likes learning about baby Jesus and participating in pretend play with our Fisher-Price Nativity set. Here are a couple of pictures of the manger scene according to his brilliant 3-year old imagination:
5. A ‘5 for Friday’ would not be complete without something cute that Paul did this week. Now Paul does not play videogames very often (or as much as he might like), especially during this time of the year. He is usually out working late, but when an opportunity presented itself over the weekend he took advantage of it. When I came to see what he was playing, I noticed our kids' video monitor strategically placed where he could watch them fall asleep while simultaneously playing his game. I thought this was pretty cute because I was in earshot of the boys and he knew he didn’t need to monitor them, but he wanted to. :)
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Placement #4
Within six days of bringing "Joey" home we received 6 placement offers!
Our maximum capacity is 3 children, but currently our preference is 2. We like to have extra space in case any of our past foster children have to go back into The System. We hope they never have to be foster children again, but sometimes it happens. Since one of our core foster parenting principles is for the child to have the least amount of moves possible, having extra space for a child that is already familiar with us and our home helps lessen the trauma.
So the 6 placement offers were:
3 & 4 year old girl siblings
3 year old boy
2 month old girl
1 year old girl
4 month old boy
and a newborn, born hours before the phone call and to be picked up at the hospital!
These children were offered to us at different points throughout the 6 day time period. We were not looking to add another foster child to the family so quickly...we didn't even have Joey for a week yet! We were still getting to know him and getting him adjusted to our home and family, not to mention his habit of vomiting and diarrhea when his environment changes! (See post Placement #3)
Foster parenting one child is time consuming in itself...besides the initial adjustment, there are appointments, parent and social worker visits, shopping trips to get necessities (they usually come with 1-2 items), and logging just about everything important or that may be important into a journal. Life is crazy busy for about a month! Adding another child to that mix is quite an overwhelming juggling act that we were not looking to attempt.
But the need was HUGE. We had the room, and with the holidays quickly approaching we knew we could help another child despite the overwhelming tasks that lay ahead.
Even though we originally said no to all 6 placement offers because less than a week prior we said yes to Joey, the placement workers called back and asked if we could please take one of 3 siblings on a temporary basis. The child was at the local emergency children's shelter for longer than he should be and the shelter was reaching its capacity. We would be more of a Way Station Home (See post What's Next? for an explanation on Way Station) until they could find a long-term foster home for the 3 siblings to live together.
We were actually given a choice of any of the 3 siblings and decided on the oldest because an older child is more independent and we just assumed adding a preschool-age child would be easier than a baby (We were right). :) We also wanted what was best for Joey and adding a baby to the family just didn't seem like it would be the best fit for Joey at this time.
So the next day we went to the local children's shelter for the first time and picked up our 3 year old "Damien" (not his real name) exactly a week after we picked up Joey. The process took about an hour. We had to wait to check-in due to foster teens arriving back from visits and checking back in. Then we spoke with the on-duty nurse and she informed us about Damien and how he was doing at the shelter. She then offered to show us a picture of him before they brought him out. It was the first time we were offered a picture of the child. In foster care, you decide whether to take a child in or not based on information given, never a picture. The first time you see the child is when you pick him up to take him home.
We waited in the lobby with Joey to meet Damien. It was evening time and the building was rather dark. When Damien came into the lobby he was holding the hand of the worker who accompanied him. His other hand clenched a new toy car still in its package. He had on sweat pants that were too small and a sweatshirt that was too big. He had an earring in one ear and his voice was soft-spoken. He was quiet and took all 3 of us in with his dark brown eyes.
We felt immense sympathy for him. He must be so scared going home with strangers. It may have helped that Joey was there with us and he was smiling and babbling. We knelt down on Damien's level and introduced ourselves and tried to assure him with small talk that we were friendly and kind and he could trust us.
The worker held his hand as we led the way to our car and she buckled him in and said her goodbyes. As we drove away from the shelter and towards home, we thought about the changes that 7 days could bring. We went from no kids, and what seemed like tons of free time, to 2 kids, with all of their history and trauma. All 4 of us didn't know what to expect, but we all agreed that cheeseburgers and fries for dinner was a good place to start.
Our maximum capacity is 3 children, but currently our preference is 2. We like to have extra space in case any of our past foster children have to go back into The System. We hope they never have to be foster children again, but sometimes it happens. Since one of our core foster parenting principles is for the child to have the least amount of moves possible, having extra space for a child that is already familiar with us and our home helps lessen the trauma.
So the 6 placement offers were:
3 & 4 year old girl siblings
3 year old boy
2 month old girl
1 year old girl
4 month old boy
and a newborn, born hours before the phone call and to be picked up at the hospital!
These children were offered to us at different points throughout the 6 day time period. We were not looking to add another foster child to the family so quickly...we didn't even have Joey for a week yet! We were still getting to know him and getting him adjusted to our home and family, not to mention his habit of vomiting and diarrhea when his environment changes! (See post Placement #3)
Foster parenting one child is time consuming in itself...besides the initial adjustment, there are appointments, parent and social worker visits, shopping trips to get necessities (they usually come with 1-2 items), and logging just about everything important or that may be important into a journal. Life is crazy busy for about a month! Adding another child to that mix is quite an overwhelming juggling act that we were not looking to attempt.
But the need was HUGE. We had the room, and with the holidays quickly approaching we knew we could help another child despite the overwhelming tasks that lay ahead.
Even though we originally said no to all 6 placement offers because less than a week prior we said yes to Joey, the placement workers called back and asked if we could please take one of 3 siblings on a temporary basis. The child was at the local emergency children's shelter for longer than he should be and the shelter was reaching its capacity. We would be more of a Way Station Home (See post What's Next? for an explanation on Way Station) until they could find a long-term foster home for the 3 siblings to live together.
We were actually given a choice of any of the 3 siblings and decided on the oldest because an older child is more independent and we just assumed adding a preschool-age child would be easier than a baby (We were right). :) We also wanted what was best for Joey and adding a baby to the family just didn't seem like it would be the best fit for Joey at this time.
So the next day we went to the local children's shelter for the first time and picked up our 3 year old "Damien" (not his real name) exactly a week after we picked up Joey. The process took about an hour. We had to wait to check-in due to foster teens arriving back from visits and checking back in. Then we spoke with the on-duty nurse and she informed us about Damien and how he was doing at the shelter. She then offered to show us a picture of him before they brought him out. It was the first time we were offered a picture of the child. In foster care, you decide whether to take a child in or not based on information given, never a picture. The first time you see the child is when you pick him up to take him home.
We waited in the lobby with Joey to meet Damien. It was evening time and the building was rather dark. When Damien came into the lobby he was holding the hand of the worker who accompanied him. His other hand clenched a new toy car still in its package. He had on sweat pants that were too small and a sweatshirt that was too big. He had an earring in one ear and his voice was soft-spoken. He was quiet and took all 3 of us in with his dark brown eyes.
We felt immense sympathy for him. He must be so scared going home with strangers. It may have helped that Joey was there with us and he was smiling and babbling. We knelt down on Damien's level and introduced ourselves and tried to assure him with small talk that we were friendly and kind and he could trust us.
The worker held his hand as we led the way to our car and she buckled him in and said her goodbyes. As we drove away from the shelter and towards home, we thought about the changes that 7 days could bring. We went from no kids, and what seemed like tons of free time, to 2 kids, with all of their history and trauma. All 4 of us didn't know what to expect, but we all agreed that cheeseburgers and fries for dinner was a good place to start.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Placement #3
We were not looking to take any placements after having to say “no” to adopting a precious teenager. (See this post for the full story.) We were still feeling emotional over the loss. But we received a call (a couple of weeks ago) from our favorite placement worker whom we had not spoken to for 2 months (since “Carson” & “Maggie” reunified.) She originally placed us with Maggie and was so supportive and understanding when we experienced difficulties with an upset birth parent, hence the "favorite" title. :)
Anyway, she had a foster mom in the county who needed to take a medical break from fostering and she was desperately trying to re-place the 4 foster children in her care. She asked us to take “Joey” (not his real name), an 18-month old boy who looked a bit tall for his age with dark hair and brown eyes and the most adorable dimples we have ever seen. (Of course, we do not actually see the child until after we agree to foster and meet him/her in person.)
So even though we were still a bit emotional we knew we could meet this need and agreed to take him, but we needed an extra day to prepare for his arrival. We picked Joey up the next evening at his foster home. He is the first placement we have taken that came from a foster home. The first two placements we had were placed with us right after being taken into custody, so our foster home was the first home they experienced since being with their family [as a side note: and the only foster home! ;) ] This meant that Joey had some clothes and even a couple of toys and had already been through a few of the required appointments. This also meant more knowledge about him was known and we could ask lots of questions about him and be better prepared to transition him smoothly.
Let me tell you, these kids are resilient! Joey didn’t cry when we took him from his foster home of approximately 5 months. He came home with us and was shy and quiet. He observed his surroundings and played with the toys. He didn’t really smile for the first two days even though everyone in our family smiled at him at every opportunity. I’m pretty sure by the looks he gave us, he thought we were weird! The only word he said was “NO!” and he said it A LOT! He said it for everything.
The whole evening was going great, without a hitch. Joey never cried, he listened well, he played and did not seem too upset about the transition. Paul and I were impressed. We were ready to have the best first night with a foster child we have had yet!
I was rocking him to sleep and Paul had just walked out of his room to let me finish up bedtime. Joey closed his eyes and looked asleep, then I heard what sounded like he may have mucous build up in his nose…but wait, he wasn’t sick….all of a sudden he began vomiting all over the both of us! I yelled for Paul, which seemed to startle Joey. I quickly realized I needed to keep my cool as to not freak him out.
Paul came in quickly and was shocked at the sight of sooo much vomit. He kept repeating “I don’t know what to do!” Then he ran out and came back with paper towels and placed them gently on top of us being sure not to get vomit on himself. :) It was obvious there were not enough paper towels so he ran back to get more. During the 15 seconds he was gone, somehow Joey had more in his stomach (even though he did not eat much for dinner!) and vomited a second time!
When Paul came back and saw the even bigger mess, he put the useless paper towels on us and said, “I don’t know what to do!” At which point we both just started laughing! It really was the only thing we could do! They don’t teach this kind of stuff in all the classes we had taken!
The whole time Joey just sat there straight-faced, he never cried, not even a peep. When we gathered our composure, we began thinking logically and Paul grabbed some old cloth towels and placed them around us. He gave Joey a bath while I took a shower and threw every soiled item into the washing machine including Joey's number one comfort item: his Blankie. You know, the one his foster mom told us not to wash for a week because it has her home’s familiar smell on it. Yeah, we had to wash the smell out the first night!
Comfort Blankie in the washer also meant we could not put Joey to sleep until it was washed and dried. So we let him play while we watched him for about an hour or so. He seemed to have a “second wind”, (now that his stomach wasn’t weighing him down!) and even began “coming out of his shell”.
When it was finally time for bed we threw some of his clothes in his crib so he would have the familiar smells his newly washed Blankie was missing. He didn’t sleep through the entire night, but neither did Carson or Maggie on their first nights.
The vomit episode perplexed us. We had no idea why it happened…was it because of something he ate? Was he not used to being rocked? Something else entirely?
We called up former foster mom and asked her. She said, “Oh yeah, when Joey’s environment changes he vomits and has diarrhea for 2-3 days.” Hmm…that might have been good information to know when we picked him up! While Joey did have diarrhea for a number of days, so far he only vomited once for us that first night, (we even changed up his environment after a week and added a second foster child to the mix!), and that makes us feel pretty special!
Anyway, she had a foster mom in the county who needed to take a medical break from fostering and she was desperately trying to re-place the 4 foster children in her care. She asked us to take “Joey” (not his real name), an 18-month old boy who looked a bit tall for his age with dark hair and brown eyes and the most adorable dimples we have ever seen. (Of course, we do not actually see the child until after we agree to foster and meet him/her in person.)
So even though we were still a bit emotional we knew we could meet this need and agreed to take him, but we needed an extra day to prepare for his arrival. We picked Joey up the next evening at his foster home. He is the first placement we have taken that came from a foster home. The first two placements we had were placed with us right after being taken into custody, so our foster home was the first home they experienced since being with their family [as a side note: and the only foster home! ;) ] This meant that Joey had some clothes and even a couple of toys and had already been through a few of the required appointments. This also meant more knowledge about him was known and we could ask lots of questions about him and be better prepared to transition him smoothly.
Let me tell you, these kids are resilient! Joey didn’t cry when we took him from his foster home of approximately 5 months. He came home with us and was shy and quiet. He observed his surroundings and played with the toys. He didn’t really smile for the first two days even though everyone in our family smiled at him at every opportunity. I’m pretty sure by the looks he gave us, he thought we were weird! The only word he said was “NO!” and he said it A LOT! He said it for everything.
The whole evening was going great, without a hitch. Joey never cried, he listened well, he played and did not seem too upset about the transition. Paul and I were impressed. We were ready to have the best first night with a foster child we have had yet!
I was rocking him to sleep and Paul had just walked out of his room to let me finish up bedtime. Joey closed his eyes and looked asleep, then I heard what sounded like he may have mucous build up in his nose…but wait, he wasn’t sick….all of a sudden he began vomiting all over the both of us! I yelled for Paul, which seemed to startle Joey. I quickly realized I needed to keep my cool as to not freak him out.
Paul came in quickly and was shocked at the sight of sooo much vomit. He kept repeating “I don’t know what to do!” Then he ran out and came back with paper towels and placed them gently on top of us being sure not to get vomit on himself. :) It was obvious there were not enough paper towels so he ran back to get more. During the 15 seconds he was gone, somehow Joey had more in his stomach (even though he did not eat much for dinner!) and vomited a second time!
When Paul came back and saw the even bigger mess, he put the useless paper towels on us and said, “I don’t know what to do!” At which point we both just started laughing! It really was the only thing we could do! They don’t teach this kind of stuff in all the classes we had taken!
The whole time Joey just sat there straight-faced, he never cried, not even a peep. When we gathered our composure, we began thinking logically and Paul grabbed some old cloth towels and placed them around us. He gave Joey a bath while I took a shower and threw every soiled item into the washing machine including Joey's number one comfort item: his Blankie. You know, the one his foster mom told us not to wash for a week because it has her home’s familiar smell on it. Yeah, we had to wash the smell out the first night!
Comfort Blankie in the washer also meant we could not put Joey to sleep until it was washed and dried. So we let him play while we watched him for about an hour or so. He seemed to have a “second wind”, (now that his stomach wasn’t weighing him down!) and even began “coming out of his shell”.
When it was finally time for bed we threw some of his clothes in his crib so he would have the familiar smells his newly washed Blankie was missing. He didn’t sleep through the entire night, but neither did Carson or Maggie on their first nights.
The vomit episode perplexed us. We had no idea why it happened…was it because of something he ate? Was he not used to being rocked? Something else entirely?
We called up former foster mom and asked her. She said, “Oh yeah, when Joey’s environment changes he vomits and has diarrhea for 2-3 days.” Hmm…that might have been good information to know when we picked him up! While Joey did have diarrhea for a number of days, so far he only vomited once for us that first night, (we even changed up his environment after a week and added a second foster child to the mix!), and that makes us feel pretty special!
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Our Almost Adoption Journey
Recently, we were as close as you can get to adopting; the ball was in our court, we just needed to say, “Yes.”
It all started about 4 years ago when I saw a weekly segment on our local news station present a child who is legally-free to adopt in our county. These kids are usually hard to place for any number of reasons and so airing them on television gives them a better chance at getting adopted.
Well, this child that captured my heart was a precious (elementary age) boy. I can’t really explain what it was about him that drew me to him. Maybe it was his shyness, maybe it was the fact he wanted a Mom and a Dad, maybe it was God planting a seed in my heart. Of course, we were recently married and it was not a good time to adopt since we still had a lot to learn about married life.
Fast forward to last year…we were on the cusp of our foster care license and this precious boy was featured a 2nd time! This time he was outgoing and funny and full of joy. He had entered his teenage years and was thriving in a stable and loving foster home, but his foster parents were not in a place where they could adopt him. By the time we were officially licensed I looked him up on the county’s heart gallery (a website specifically made to introduce families to kids available for adoption) and on his picture it said he was potentially matched. I was happy for him and hoped it would be a permanent solution for him. We then moved forward with foster care and welcomed “Carson” into our family.
Fast forward one more time to a few weeks before Carson and “Maggie” would be reunifying. The precious teen was featured a 3rd time! This time it was an urgent need to find a forever family because his foster parents were still not in a place where they could adopt him and he needed to move on to a family that could. For a week he was on my mind and after talking to Paul we decided to just inquire. We called his social worker and she had just presented a family to this young man the day before.
Alright, he is going to have his forever family, great! That is perfect timing because with Carson and Maggie reunifying we really were in no place emotionally to open our hearts to another child without first, taking time to grieve the losses.
A few weeks after healing from our grief we attended a foster-to-adopt conference at a church a couple hours away. At the conference we ran into the young man’s social worker! She recognized our names and said she was just talking about us the other day because she decided the family was not going to work out for him and our names came up.
We find out later in the week that since our adoptions worker had retired in the last year (unbeknownst to us) we needed to be assigned a new adoptions worker to move forward with adoption of him or anyone else. Thankfully, we requested an adoptions worker in August when we knew our kids would be reunifying and we finally had one assigned to us in October. It was worth the wait because our new adoptions worker is amazing. We like her A LOT!
We noticed that with “The System” there is a lot of waiting and then suddenly you get a call and things move rather quickly. We received a call that some time-sensitive things were happening and families were being evaluated for the best match for the precious young man we saw on television. We waited again and then we got a call and we were chosen as the best match!
His social worker and our adoptions worker came to our home for what is called “The Telling” where they share everything they know about the child. It was almost 4 hours long and there was so much information our heads actually ached. We were given 3 full days to make a decision to adopt him or not. They gave us phone numbers to call and his thick file to keep during the decision-making process. Usually there is a lot more time given, but unfortunately this was one of those cases where things needed to move forward and quickly.
If we said Yes, we would give his worker an album we needed to create called The Family Book. This album introduces the child to our home and our family through various photos. The following day we would meet the child on his turf, at his foster home with his foster family and his worker and our adoptions worker. It was to be an hour long introduction. After meeting the child, we would need to visit him everyday until he was placed in our home. In this case, he would be moved in within 3-4 days of meeting him.
It was an incredibly long and difficult 3 days for us. We really wanted to adopt him. We re-read his file, we made phone calls, interviewed his foster mom, prayed and sought out wise counsel. He passed all our “deal-breakers” and we agreed with his social worker that he was the best match for us. But we kept coming back to the fact that our current living situation was not the best environment for him to thrive.
It was an emotional weekend. I cried over this situation more than I cried over my two foster babies leaving. It didn’t matter that he was almost half our age, that our only real parenting experience was our two foster kids for about a year, that he was in The System for a decade, or that he had more than a dozen placements. One of the reasons his worker chose us is because we are inexperienced and we are not rigid and founded in rules, but are calm and flexible and willing to try new things, which is what these kids need. We had a great number of resources to help us along on our parenting journey and we were teachable and ready. Still, we know what we were considering was crazy by a lot of standards, but not God’s standards of loving kids (no matter the age) who are rejected by the rest of society.
We realize that some who hear that we were on the brink of adopting a teenager from The System would think we wised up and “dodged a bullet”. But that bullet is a person’s soul who God created and loves unconditionally. That bullet was going to be our son. That bullet would have been totally worth taking right in the heart.
We did have to say no, to do what was best for that precious teenager even though that sounds counter-intuitive. Instead of the phone call the workers requested, we both took the morning off and we walked into their office to tell them in person that sadly we could not be this boy’s forever family at this time. It was the right closure for this brief and hurried journey. We couldn’t have asked for a better conversation with the two workers who showed us tremendous understanding and grace.
We have grown a lot as a couple through this experience and are thankful for this in the midst of very deep sadness. As we grieve another loss this year, we are grateful that God is always good, gracious, and sovereign.
It all started about 4 years ago when I saw a weekly segment on our local news station present a child who is legally-free to adopt in our county. These kids are usually hard to place for any number of reasons and so airing them on television gives them a better chance at getting adopted.
Well, this child that captured my heart was a precious (elementary age) boy. I can’t really explain what it was about him that drew me to him. Maybe it was his shyness, maybe it was the fact he wanted a Mom and a Dad, maybe it was God planting a seed in my heart. Of course, we were recently married and it was not a good time to adopt since we still had a lot to learn about married life.
Fast forward to last year…we were on the cusp of our foster care license and this precious boy was featured a 2nd time! This time he was outgoing and funny and full of joy. He had entered his teenage years and was thriving in a stable and loving foster home, but his foster parents were not in a place where they could adopt him. By the time we were officially licensed I looked him up on the county’s heart gallery (a website specifically made to introduce families to kids available for adoption) and on his picture it said he was potentially matched. I was happy for him and hoped it would be a permanent solution for him. We then moved forward with foster care and welcomed “Carson” into our family.
Fast forward one more time to a few weeks before Carson and “Maggie” would be reunifying. The precious teen was featured a 3rd time! This time it was an urgent need to find a forever family because his foster parents were still not in a place where they could adopt him and he needed to move on to a family that could. For a week he was on my mind and after talking to Paul we decided to just inquire. We called his social worker and she had just presented a family to this young man the day before.
Alright, he is going to have his forever family, great! That is perfect timing because with Carson and Maggie reunifying we really were in no place emotionally to open our hearts to another child without first, taking time to grieve the losses.
A few weeks after healing from our grief we attended a foster-to-adopt conference at a church a couple hours away. At the conference we ran into the young man’s social worker! She recognized our names and said she was just talking about us the other day because she decided the family was not going to work out for him and our names came up.
We find out later in the week that since our adoptions worker had retired in the last year (unbeknownst to us) we needed to be assigned a new adoptions worker to move forward with adoption of him or anyone else. Thankfully, we requested an adoptions worker in August when we knew our kids would be reunifying and we finally had one assigned to us in October. It was worth the wait because our new adoptions worker is amazing. We like her A LOT!
We noticed that with “The System” there is a lot of waiting and then suddenly you get a call and things move rather quickly. We received a call that some time-sensitive things were happening and families were being evaluated for the best match for the precious young man we saw on television. We waited again and then we got a call and we were chosen as the best match!
His social worker and our adoptions worker came to our home for what is called “The Telling” where they share everything they know about the child. It was almost 4 hours long and there was so much information our heads actually ached. We were given 3 full days to make a decision to adopt him or not. They gave us phone numbers to call and his thick file to keep during the decision-making process. Usually there is a lot more time given, but unfortunately this was one of those cases where things needed to move forward and quickly.
If we said Yes, we would give his worker an album we needed to create called The Family Book. This album introduces the child to our home and our family through various photos. The following day we would meet the child on his turf, at his foster home with his foster family and his worker and our adoptions worker. It was to be an hour long introduction. After meeting the child, we would need to visit him everyday until he was placed in our home. In this case, he would be moved in within 3-4 days of meeting him.
It was an incredibly long and difficult 3 days for us. We really wanted to adopt him. We re-read his file, we made phone calls, interviewed his foster mom, prayed and sought out wise counsel. He passed all our “deal-breakers” and we agreed with his social worker that he was the best match for us. But we kept coming back to the fact that our current living situation was not the best environment for him to thrive.
It was an emotional weekend. I cried over this situation more than I cried over my two foster babies leaving. It didn’t matter that he was almost half our age, that our only real parenting experience was our two foster kids for about a year, that he was in The System for a decade, or that he had more than a dozen placements. One of the reasons his worker chose us is because we are inexperienced and we are not rigid and founded in rules, but are calm and flexible and willing to try new things, which is what these kids need. We had a great number of resources to help us along on our parenting journey and we were teachable and ready. Still, we know what we were considering was crazy by a lot of standards, but not God’s standards of loving kids (no matter the age) who are rejected by the rest of society.
We realize that some who hear that we were on the brink of adopting a teenager from The System would think we wised up and “dodged a bullet”. But that bullet is a person’s soul who God created and loves unconditionally. That bullet was going to be our son. That bullet would have been totally worth taking right in the heart.
We did have to say no, to do what was best for that precious teenager even though that sounds counter-intuitive. Instead of the phone call the workers requested, we both took the morning off and we walked into their office to tell them in person that sadly we could not be this boy’s forever family at this time. It was the right closure for this brief and hurried journey. We couldn’t have asked for a better conversation with the two workers who showed us tremendous understanding and grace.
We have grown a lot as a couple through this experience and are thankful for this in the midst of very deep sadness. As we grieve another loss this year, we are grateful that God is always good, gracious, and sovereign.
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