When Boo Boo Buddies Aren't Enough

We've written in previous posts about the mysterious healing powers of "Boo Boo Owl" and "Boo Boo Elmo," but we've learned that even these are not entirely sufficient for all of "Carson's" owies.

The other day Carson was trying to help me load some things into a truck in the driveway. And by "helping" of course I mean "getting in the way." He also decided that it was a good day to wear his rain boots that are about 2 sizes too big for him. I think we can see where this is going, and it was not long before he tripped over my feet, stumbled in his rain boots, and did a slow motion fall on the driveway where his knees hit first, his arms half braced his fall, but he ended with a face plant. The 3 or 4 small scrapes on his nose produced some crying, but the magic of a boo boo buddy, a drink, and a healing kiss from Monique made him forget about the incident in a few minutes and he was back to playing, minus the over-sized rain boots.

Ordinarily, I would chalk this up to a lesson learned about balance and shoe choice, but that's not quite how the foster system sees it. Thus, we have learned one more way that foster parenting is not quite the same as regular parenting. We have come to discover that the foster parenting system is incredibly concerned with the physical safety of foster children. This makes a lot of sense since physical safety is why most kids are probably removed from their homes, and if the foster homes are not safe then the system has failed. And while the system would love to assume that all foster parents are loving and very concerned about the safety of foster children, this, sadly, is not the case. So the way that the system makes sure kids are safe is by extensive documentation.

This means that while my parenting sense told me that boo boo buddies and kisses were a sufficient way of dealing with Carson's scrapes, the system required more. We needed to notify Carson's social worker about his scrapes, and also our licensing worker. The social worker is primarily concerned with Carson, while the licensing worker is primarily concerned with us as foster parents. Our licensing worker has highly encouraged us to notify her of all injuries to Carson that leave a visible mark. This is partly so that she can make sure we are keeping Carson safe, but also for our protection. If a birth parent complains about Carson's treatment or makes an allegation of abuse, it is very beneficial if the licensing worker has already heard about any injury and documented it. For further protection, it is also highly encouraged to take Carson to the doctor so the doctor can document every injury that leaves a visible mark. The licensing worker's point in encouraging all this documentation is that while she has met us, seen our home, and knows that we are wonderful people, others who don't know us and only see what is alleged or written in a file don't know how wonderful we are and documentation would protect us.

Taking a 1 and a half year old, a fairly clumsy one and half year old at that, to the doctor for every visible injury is certainly a time commitment. But we've also discovered an unintended consequence of doing this. Now, when foster care workers and doctors look in Carson's file they see a pattern of injuries. So when we called to document Carson's scrapes on his nose, we were told that it was worrisome that he has had another injury after we just reported a bruise on his face about 3 weeks ago. What is supposed to be a record of how well we take care of Carson is also a record of all the injuries he's received under our care.

We also learned that the purpose of the doctor's visits is not so much to make sure Carson is okay, but to give the system documentation that the injury is not the result of abuse. This left me explaining to the doctor at our last visit that I need her to fill out a form not just listing Carson's injuries and suggested treatment, but saying that the injuries are consistent with my story of how it happened and not the result of abuse. Well, even I realized that foster parents asking a doctor to write a note saying they are not abusing the child really does not sound good. Now the doctor is slightly suspicious of this foster parent, and this coupled with the medical office's record of Carson's injuries that I have brought him in for makes the doctor wary. The doctor, not wanting to be the one who failed to spot abuse, now writes that while Carson's injuries are consistent with my story, the frequency of his injuries is concerning. How will the other foster workers respond when the doctor "confirms" their worry about the frequency of Carson's injuries? We're not sure yet, but we'll see. I understand that doctors and social workers want to protect themselves (and the child) by being extremely vigilant and cautious, it can just be a little discouraging to be the object of this vigilance.

While we don't really like the hassle of all of this documentation, or the climate of suspicion we feel like we live in, we really do want the system to be wary when it comes to the safety of some of the most vulnerable members of our society. Abuse happens in the foster care system and we need to do everything we can to prevent it. We certainly don't like feeling as if the system is out to get us and that the more injuries we report the worse we look. But our hope is that as we develop better relationships with social workers and doctors this suspicion can be lessened. Yet with a system as big and complicated as the foster care system, we really do hope that some healthy suspicion remains. So for now I find myself in the ironic position of the being the slightly overprotective helicopter parent, not so much because I don't want Carson to get "owies" that are fixed with kisses and cold-packs, but because I don't want to have to document one more injury.

Our Foster Family 5 for Friday! Vol. 3

{This post is intended to share the Top 5 highlights (good, bad or in-between) of our foster family's journey for the week.}

1. "Carson" had his 1st overnight visit tonight!

We prepared a detailed bed time routine outline for his parents to help make the transition as smooth as possible. We talked with Carson about having a 'night night' at Mama and Dada's then we let him help us pack his bag. He picked his blankie and stuffed animal and shoved them into his backpack. Overnight visits mean you drop him off in the morning and pick him up the evening of the day his visit ends. This one is a one-nighter but the future schedule is two-consecutive nights a week at his parents.

It kinda seemed like a regular visit when I dropped him off but I knew deep down I was about to go the longest time without being with him since he first stepped his wobbly legs into our home. My eyes teared up a bit as I drove home knowing that the distance between us only grows from here.

2. In addition to Carson having his overnight visit, today was the roughest day in Our Foster Parenting Journey. The details we'll leave for another post...(yay, a post besides "5 for Fridays"!) Up until this point, we have had difficult days learning to adjust, having to discipline and deal with tantrums and aggression after visits, sleepless nights, awkward interactions with parents, etc. but today was one of those days that you would rather not be a foster parent at all. Where you want to pull out the white flag and climb the highest mountain top and wave it fervently. A day you want to spend crying and venting to your compassionate and caring mom all your hurts and fears about foster parenting. A day that makes me so grateful for my husband who is even keel and can spend the entire afternoon talking with social workers and placement workers to deal with an angry birth parent and not allow it to affect his attitude or demeanor in a negative way. As I sit here and type all I can do is breath a sigh of relief and think, whew, I am just glad the day is over and a brand new day that history hasn't yet written and is filled with new mercies and graces...begins tomorrow.

3. Now, if you knew Paul you would know he doesn't usually come across as a guy who does cute things, but the wonderful thing is, he does cute things everyday. One cute thing he did this week is he picked out Carson's outfit for the day specifically to match his outfit for the day. (He doesn't even like to match me!) I usually pick Carson's outfit but with "Maggie" I sometimes get too busy to. So lately Paul has had the opportunity to change Carson out of his pajama's. One morning he was really excited because he came up with the brilliant plan to have them both match. And they spent the day together looking like this:

4. Maggie has learned to sit up from a laying down position! Each morning she has been sitting up saying "nay nay nay nay" intermixed with whines and occasional cries. One morning she was even sitting up facing our bed and waving both of her hands in the air while "nay naying". She likes to scoot everywhere and it's just a matter of time before she is crawling everywhere. She also learned the skill of eating solid foods without pushing the food back out with her tongue. This has helped meal time be a lot less messy and more worthwhile for all of us! ;)

5. We visited our county's Foster Parent Association this week. What an amazing resource! The president of the association was there and she has fostered over 300 kids! Talk about a source of knowledge and experience. We walked out of there with 4 pillow pets, pajama's and shoes for Carson, a "Welcome Bag" full of clothes, toys, and blankets, for Maggie and a new appreciation for our community.

BONUS FRIDAY!!!!! 

Caution contains "Bathroom Talk"!

6. Carson used the toilet (potty) for the first time this week! He was telling us before he pooped that he had to poop, so we thought we mine as well use that to our advantage. As I was getting the bath ready I sat him on the toilet and he pee'd in the toilet like he does it everyday...well, he does pee everyday but not while on the toilet! He just sat there and didn't even tell me, he just waited until I was ready to put him in the tub. His potty plays a song when you use it and so the song kept playing over and over. He got really excited when I let him pick an M&M but I don't think he really knew why he was getting such a sweet treat.

7. Maggie cries....no she screams every time we give her a bath. It's a pretty miserable 10 minutes. Our niece who is almost a year old was in the bathroom with us as we were preparing the bath and it looked like she wanted to go in and her parents said it was okay if she went in, so Maggie and her foster cousin took a bath together and Maggie loved it! She even laughed and smiled, which is something we never thought we would see her do in a bath tub! Our bathtub secret weapon is our niece and it helps out our sister-and-brother-in-law because they get a "free clean kid pass". It's win-win-win all around!

Our Foster Family 5 for Friday...one day late! Vol. 2

Summer days seem to blend together and it is difficult to distinguish between last week and this week. You would think with visits being on certain days of the week I would be able to keep better track but I found it took a lot of effort to come up with 5 things that I was sure happened this week and not last week or the week before.

Here are our family's 5 for this week...I am sure of it!

1. First let me revise the comment last week that "Carson's" transition into his toddler bed is not exactly the "smoothest transition in toddler history" but perhaps the nearly smoothest. Such a rookie parent mistake to claim something during the first week. All veteran parents know you don't claim a title without waiting at least two weeks! The first week the toddler bed was new and exciting and should be used with caution. The second week the toddler bed is old and boring but has the potential to be exciting again if he gets out of bed anytime he wants, jumps on it or realizes no one can make him lay down. Lucky for us, we aren't the average newbie parents and we moved the video monitor from "Maggie's" crib back to Carson's room. Paul says Carson is way more entertaining to watch than 6 month old Maggie. Between the voice activated video monitor and closing the hallway door Carson has been staying in his bed and laying down while in bed.

2. My favorite mental picture of this week was when I walked in to see Paul standing holding Maggie in the Ergo Baby Carrier (See last week's 5 for Friday) and he had a comb in his hand and was combing her hair while using the hall mirror to check his work. He did this on his own, I had not asked him to Ergo her or comb her hair! It was pretty much the most adorable thing I've seen in a long time. :)

3. On Thursday morning Maggie and I went to greet Carson good morning. He was standing looking out his window and didn't even notice us standing right next to him for about 10 seconds. He was too busy watching his uncle digging for tree roots in the front yard. (We removed a tree and are in the process of re-landscaping). He kept saying "diggin'." The way he says diggin' is so cute I kept asking him what his uncle was doing just so I could hear him say it over and over. Paul did take him out diggin'. Here he is taking a water break, notice his hands that are "all dirdee" as he would say.

 4. We received an email from Carson's worker that he will begin the process of overnights with his parents in a couple of weeks. He will begin with 2 nights a week and his stay will increase as the months progress. This saddened me more than I thought it would. It is the final step before reunification and the thought of him leaving for good made my heart ache. Of course, there are a number of months before he actually reunifies, but there is an end in sight. I know our goal is reunification and I am ultimately thankful his parents are on the right road and making good choices, but the emotions are real and this boy who was once a stranger is now one of my favorite people in the world and I miss him when his naps go longer than expected. You can't really prepare for him leaving months from now because that requires a step back, an emotional, physical, mental removal in order to protect my heart from the pain that is inevitable. But he's still here and he still needs love and care and it is just impossible to protect myself from the pain without him reaping negative consequences. So I will continue to give him 100% of me and enjoy every moment we have together as family.

5. We had our first date night in over a month. We went out to dinner, ate ice cream, and went to the theater to see Disney/Pixar's Monsters U. It took me until the movie started to actually relax and stop thinking about the next thing that needed to get done and that helped me realize we really need date nights more often! Here's a scene from the movie I felt I could relate to: