When Boo Boo Buddies Aren't Enough

We've written in previous posts about the mysterious healing powers of "Boo Boo Owl" and "Boo Boo Elmo," but we've learned that even these are not entirely sufficient for all of "Carson's" owies.

The other day Carson was trying to help me load some things into a truck in the driveway. And by "helping" of course I mean "getting in the way." He also decided that it was a good day to wear his rain boots that are about 2 sizes too big for him. I think we can see where this is going, and it was not long before he tripped over my feet, stumbled in his rain boots, and did a slow motion fall on the driveway where his knees hit first, his arms half braced his fall, but he ended with a face plant. The 3 or 4 small scrapes on his nose produced some crying, but the magic of a boo boo buddy, a drink, and a healing kiss from Monique made him forget about the incident in a few minutes and he was back to playing, minus the over-sized rain boots.

Ordinarily, I would chalk this up to a lesson learned about balance and shoe choice, but that's not quite how the foster system sees it. Thus, we have learned one more way that foster parenting is not quite the same as regular parenting. We have come to discover that the foster parenting system is incredibly concerned with the physical safety of foster children. This makes a lot of sense since physical safety is why most kids are probably removed from their homes, and if the foster homes are not safe then the system has failed. And while the system would love to assume that all foster parents are loving and very concerned about the safety of foster children, this, sadly, is not the case. So the way that the system makes sure kids are safe is by extensive documentation.

This means that while my parenting sense told me that boo boo buddies and kisses were a sufficient way of dealing with Carson's scrapes, the system required more. We needed to notify Carson's social worker about his scrapes, and also our licensing worker. The social worker is primarily concerned with Carson, while the licensing worker is primarily concerned with us as foster parents. Our licensing worker has highly encouraged us to notify her of all injuries to Carson that leave a visible mark. This is partly so that she can make sure we are keeping Carson safe, but also for our protection. If a birth parent complains about Carson's treatment or makes an allegation of abuse, it is very beneficial if the licensing worker has already heard about any injury and documented it. For further protection, it is also highly encouraged to take Carson to the doctor so the doctor can document every injury that leaves a visible mark. The licensing worker's point in encouraging all this documentation is that while she has met us, seen our home, and knows that we are wonderful people, others who don't know us and only see what is alleged or written in a file don't know how wonderful we are and documentation would protect us.

Taking a 1 and a half year old, a fairly clumsy one and half year old at that, to the doctor for every visible injury is certainly a time commitment. But we've also discovered an unintended consequence of doing this. Now, when foster care workers and doctors look in Carson's file they see a pattern of injuries. So when we called to document Carson's scrapes on his nose, we were told that it was worrisome that he has had another injury after we just reported a bruise on his face about 3 weeks ago. What is supposed to be a record of how well we take care of Carson is also a record of all the injuries he's received under our care.

We also learned that the purpose of the doctor's visits is not so much to make sure Carson is okay, but to give the system documentation that the injury is not the result of abuse. This left me explaining to the doctor at our last visit that I need her to fill out a form not just listing Carson's injuries and suggested treatment, but saying that the injuries are consistent with my story of how it happened and not the result of abuse. Well, even I realized that foster parents asking a doctor to write a note saying they are not abusing the child really does not sound good. Now the doctor is slightly suspicious of this foster parent, and this coupled with the medical office's record of Carson's injuries that I have brought him in for makes the doctor wary. The doctor, not wanting to be the one who failed to spot abuse, now writes that while Carson's injuries are consistent with my story, the frequency of his injuries is concerning. How will the other foster workers respond when the doctor "confirms" their worry about the frequency of Carson's injuries? We're not sure yet, but we'll see. I understand that doctors and social workers want to protect themselves (and the child) by being extremely vigilant and cautious, it can just be a little discouraging to be the object of this vigilance.

While we don't really like the hassle of all of this documentation, or the climate of suspicion we feel like we live in, we really do want the system to be wary when it comes to the safety of some of the most vulnerable members of our society. Abuse happens in the foster care system and we need to do everything we can to prevent it. We certainly don't like feeling as if the system is out to get us and that the more injuries we report the worse we look. But our hope is that as we develop better relationships with social workers and doctors this suspicion can be lessened. Yet with a system as big and complicated as the foster care system, we really do hope that some healthy suspicion remains. So for now I find myself in the ironic position of the being the slightly overprotective helicopter parent, not so much because I don't want Carson to get "owies" that are fixed with kisses and cold-packs, but because I don't want to have to document one more injury.