Guest Post: A Foster Grandma’s Perspective

We are so excited to share our very first Guest Post!

A support system is crucial in foster parenting and we are so blessed to have such amazing family backing us in this crazy journey! We are always interested in others’ perspectives and thought it would be fun and interesting to share them with our readers.

Mom/Grandma has been our #1 cheerleader in the good times, not-so good times and everything in-between. From being one of the first to meet the new family member, to providing for his/her needs, to offering a listening ear or encouragement to the worn foster parent, she is a jewel to have in our lives. It was difficult to find pictures of Grandma and “Carson” where he wasn’t "facing" the camera, so I had to use some photo-editing to make them postable. He loves being with Grandma and doesn’t mind the camera when she is by his side. You can be sure his expression is either smiling or a look of contentment. Thanks, Mom for sharing your heart and thanks for being you! We love you!

A Foster Grandma’s Perspective

One year ago (almost to this day), a chubby one year old baby boy who was just learning to walk suddenly came into our family’s lives. He came to our family from his family who was in crisis. I remember getting the call from our kids saying, “Mom – we are picking up a 12 month old baby boy in about 30 minutes and we don’t have anything for him!” So off this Grandma went to Walmart to buy a few things: diapers, formula, bottles, t-shirts, pjs, shirts, pants and socks and shoes! Somehow it wasn’t hard to spend money on a child we knew nothing about other than the fact that he needed a safe spot to land and some extra love and attention for a few days.

Being a pediatric nurse (for over 30 years) I love kids – especially babies and toddlers. I have also seen many children and families in difficult crisis situations. So, being the professional that I am, I thought that I could weather the foster grand parenting storm without getting too wet! I thought that my “professional boundaries” would carry over into this situation and I would be able to protect my heart. But that was not to be. This little boy with his boundless energy and unsteady gait worked his way right into my heart. He quickly became one of the grandchildren – as this grandma was totally hooked on him!

We originally thought that “Carson” would only be with our family for a few days, but the days stretched into weeks. Christmas was coming and we were pretty sure he would be sent to a relative’s home, so we all gave him his presents early. Then Christmas came and he was still with us….so we gave him more presents! The weeks then became months. Eleven months to be exact – almost half of his little life!

We weathered some illnesses together (like the call in the middle of the night to nurse grandma for a very croupy little boy who needed a trip to the ER and a breathing treatment), and then we all shared our colds back and forth last winter.

We did all the fun things that grandmas and grandkids do together. We babysat, we read books, we cuddled, we sang songs, we went on walks to the mall. I will never forget hearing him sing the words “Holy, Holy, Holy …God mighty” as the sound came through the baby monitor while he was in his crib one day. This was his favorite song he learned at the children’s program at BSF.


The next thing we knew – there was another call for a family in crisis and we added a beautiful little 5 month old baby girl to the family mix. She reminded me of a little baby doll! So once again, this Grandma was off on a shopping trip – this time for pink outfits!!

When Grandma and Grandpa moved to Asia in June, it was so hard to say goodbye to all of the grandchildren. But it was particularly hard to say good bye to our foster grandchildren as we didn’t know if we would ever see them again. Grandparenting from a distance is a challenge and we are very thankful for technology which makes it a little more fun – but we miss the cuddle times for sure!

A few weeks ago we received the news that our two foster grandbabies were being reunited with their families. What a bittersweet time this has been for this Grandma’s heart. I will confess, I have cried quite a few tears. I think that a Grandma’s grief is doubly hard….we grieve for our own children (the foster parents) and feel their pain, we also grieve for the grandchildren and the disruption to their little worlds, and then we have our own pain over the loss as well. In my heart I am truly happy that the families are reunited but I won’t lie - I am sad for our family. I miss seeing their little faces over the computer as we Skype. These little ones will forever have a place in our hearts.


You may ask, “When it is so painful to say goodbye, are you going to open yourself up and risk the hurt again when the next foster grandkids come on the scene?” My answer is, “Absolutely!” It is so worth the investment to be able to play one small part in God’s story for the lives of these children. Life is risky and we would miss out on so much that God has to offer and teach us if we closed our hearts to these little children.

And so I say to my own children – Paul and Monique – thank you for allowing us the joy to travel on this foster parenting journey with you. Thank you for opening your home and our family to the joys and the sorrows of this journey. We are proud to be the grandparents of as many foster children as God brings into your home! And yes, we will take on the risk of pain and grief with you, because the love and joy we have the opportunity to give and receive is so worth it!

What’s Next?

We are back from a two week blog break…of course, we are not too awesome at updating our blog regularly; but we allowed ourselves to not feel the pressure of needing to post something, especially since we do not currently have kids to post about! :)

It has been about a month since our kids reunified with their parents. We’ve seen “Maggie” once and “Carson” once. (We hope to share our visits in an upcoming post!) In that month we have taken the time and put in the effort to grieve well, for our well-being and for the well-being of the next foster child we will welcome into our home!

We have been discussing the next chapter in our foster parenting journey, and we have narrowed it down to these options:

Option: Foster Care
We currently have a post-it on our file with the county that says we are taking a one-month break and are not taking any placements at this time. All we need to do is call and have that post-it taken off and we will most likely get a call in less than a week (from our past experience with both kids) for a new placement. This is the option we have experience with, the placement can be anywhere from a couple months to years! (Maggie’s placement was 3 months, Carson’s placement was 11 months)

Option: Way Station
We can sign up to be a Way Station foster family. This means we would be available on an “on-call” basis to receive children immediately following a removal, helping the child avoid placement at the local children’s center. We would be considered an emergency placement for a maximum of 30 days, with a goal of 10 days to find a relative, non-related extended family member or a long-term foster home. This is a relatively new program development where the family would be strictly Way Station only. While we were in the regular foster care option, both Carson and Maggie were emergency placements that we were happy to keep for more than a few weeks.

Option: Adoption
We talk with our Adoption Worker and fill-out a detailed form that shares with the worker what health, behavioral, developmental, and background issues we are open to having in a child. We then wait to be “matched” with a child whose history closely matches our requests and would possibly work well with our family dynamics as displayed in our Home Study Report (a written report of our lives as taken through interviews during our licensing process). This option can take a long time depending on how open we are to the issues presented. The child can be legally free for adoption already, or we can go with what is called Concurrent Care and  take the risk of being placed with a child that does not yet have their parental rights terminated, but looks like that would happen in the future.

Option: Foster-to-Adopt
We welcome a child who is in foster care but appears to be on the likely path to have his or her parental rights terminated due to the parents not making wise decisions in the reunification process.The termination of parental rights will then allow the child to be available for adoption. But we are not “matched” with this child, it will be a child who needs a foster home and we will learn of their health, behavioral, developmental, and background issues as we get to know them in our home. Of course, there is risk to this option just as in Concurrent Care adoption because the parents can make good decisions and be able to reunify.

4 options, all have their pros and cons.

As we have been discussing these options we have had to re-evaluate the principles that we want to guide us in our work with “the system.” One of these principles is that we want to minimize the number of placements these kids will have. Every move that these kids make is one more instance of trauma and loss, and we want to spare these kids from that.

We are thrilled that we were the only placement that Carson and Maggie had. They were not bounced around to multiple families or children’s centers, but they were with us until they were able to reunify. We think this is a big reason why they continued to grow and thrive during their time away from their biological parents.

However, the difficulty with wanting to be the only placement these kids ever have is that most kids who enter the foster system end up reunifying with their families. So, if we really want to adopt a child the most efficient thing to do would be to find a child who has been in the system long enough for it to become clear that reunification is no longer likely. Minimizing the number of moves a child makes is important, but it’s not the most important thing we can do. You could argue that the kids who have been bounced around to multiple placements need a safe and loving family the most.

So, what’s next?

Well, we are still talking through these issues (and working through some delays with the county), but we hope to have kids in our home soon.