Grieving, Part 1

“Carson” is on his 3rd social worker since entering the system in October. His current social worker is our favorite. We know most social workers care for the well-being of these precious kids but she goes above and beyond to make sure that reunification with Mom and Dad will be permanent and transitions are as smooth as possible. We thought that this process of reunification would take place early next year, but the system is bigger than even Carson’s worker, and it has been decided to complete reunification in the next couple months. 

So we went from Carson having 1 overnight, to 2 overnights, to 5 overnights per week with his parents in a matter of just 3 weeks.

This means we currently see Carson for 48 hours per week and we have begun (what we perceive to be) the long-road of grieving the loss of a child.

Before his first 5-night visit I packed up most of Carson’s clothes since he would now be living with Mom and Dad the majority of the time. This was the first thing that made this loss real. I held back tears as we packed the car and gave hugs to the family and buckled Carson into his car seat. We live just a few minutes away from his parents home and I knew I didn’t want to have “the crying face” when we got there. You know, the red watery eyes and pink runny nose look. So I kept thinking of happy things that had nothing to do with Carson.

Of course, Carson was happy to see his Mom and it really does help to see his joy and her joy to be together again.

The first 5-days without Carson were difficult, but it was actually pretty easy to distract myself or stuff away any thoughts or feelings of missing him. At one point, I realized this isn’t the healthiest way to grieve, so I made the choice to put forth the effort to allow myself to feel the sadness and ache and grow from it instead of acting like it isn’t there.

Maybe the most difficult experience I had was when I went to go pick up “Maggie” from her family visit. I was stopped at a light and there he was getting off the bus with his Mom. He was living everyday life without us and as I watched his mom pulling him along the lyrics on the radio sang, “Hold on now don't you blink or it's gone”  and the ache overwhelmed me and tears began to well up and I tried not to blink.

As we approach this road of grief, Paul and I talk a lot about it. We share our feelings and thoughts everyday. And I think having Maggie with us helps with our perspective too. Carson isn’t our sole concern and she reminds us with her beautiful smile and adorable coos that life is bigger than our problems and grief. She reminds us that there are many other kids out there who still need help and even in our sadness we can still attach to them and love them and help them too.

That song I was listening to had lyrics that also sang:

Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new

While it isn’t a song I would play regularly to help me through these stages of grief, I agree that loving Carson has been beautiful and true and life is still beautiful and new.

I have been learning so many new things in life as a foster parent, I can now almost relate to people who say they could never do foster care because they would get attached and wouldn’t be able to give the child back. Except that I would totally do foster care to know a kid like Carson.