When Boo Boo Buddies Aren't Enough

We've written in previous posts about the mysterious healing powers of "Boo Boo Owl" and "Boo Boo Elmo," but we've learned that even these are not entirely sufficient for all of "Carson's" owies.

The other day Carson was trying to help me load some things into a truck in the driveway. And by "helping" of course I mean "getting in the way." He also decided that it was a good day to wear his rain boots that are about 2 sizes too big for him. I think we can see where this is going, and it was not long before he tripped over my feet, stumbled in his rain boots, and did a slow motion fall on the driveway where his knees hit first, his arms half braced his fall, but he ended with a face plant. The 3 or 4 small scrapes on his nose produced some crying, but the magic of a boo boo buddy, a drink, and a healing kiss from Monique made him forget about the incident in a few minutes and he was back to playing, minus the over-sized rain boots.

Ordinarily, I would chalk this up to a lesson learned about balance and shoe choice, but that's not quite how the foster system sees it. Thus, we have learned one more way that foster parenting is not quite the same as regular parenting. We have come to discover that the foster parenting system is incredibly concerned with the physical safety of foster children. This makes a lot of sense since physical safety is why most kids are probably removed from their homes, and if the foster homes are not safe then the system has failed. And while the system would love to assume that all foster parents are loving and very concerned about the safety of foster children, this, sadly, is not the case. So the way that the system makes sure kids are safe is by extensive documentation.

This means that while my parenting sense told me that boo boo buddies and kisses were a sufficient way of dealing with Carson's scrapes, the system required more. We needed to notify Carson's social worker about his scrapes, and also our licensing worker. The social worker is primarily concerned with Carson, while the licensing worker is primarily concerned with us as foster parents. Our licensing worker has highly encouraged us to notify her of all injuries to Carson that leave a visible mark. This is partly so that she can make sure we are keeping Carson safe, but also for our protection. If a birth parent complains about Carson's treatment or makes an allegation of abuse, it is very beneficial if the licensing worker has already heard about any injury and documented it. For further protection, it is also highly encouraged to take Carson to the doctor so the doctor can document every injury that leaves a visible mark. The licensing worker's point in encouraging all this documentation is that while she has met us, seen our home, and knows that we are wonderful people, others who don't know us and only see what is alleged or written in a file don't know how wonderful we are and documentation would protect us.

Taking a 1 and a half year old, a fairly clumsy one and half year old at that, to the doctor for every visible injury is certainly a time commitment. But we've also discovered an unintended consequence of doing this. Now, when foster care workers and doctors look in Carson's file they see a pattern of injuries. So when we called to document Carson's scrapes on his nose, we were told that it was worrisome that he has had another injury after we just reported a bruise on his face about 3 weeks ago. What is supposed to be a record of how well we take care of Carson is also a record of all the injuries he's received under our care.

We also learned that the purpose of the doctor's visits is not so much to make sure Carson is okay, but to give the system documentation that the injury is not the result of abuse. This left me explaining to the doctor at our last visit that I need her to fill out a form not just listing Carson's injuries and suggested treatment, but saying that the injuries are consistent with my story of how it happened and not the result of abuse. Well, even I realized that foster parents asking a doctor to write a note saying they are not abusing the child really does not sound good. Now the doctor is slightly suspicious of this foster parent, and this coupled with the medical office's record of Carson's injuries that I have brought him in for makes the doctor wary. The doctor, not wanting to be the one who failed to spot abuse, now writes that while Carson's injuries are consistent with my story, the frequency of his injuries is concerning. How will the other foster workers respond when the doctor "confirms" their worry about the frequency of Carson's injuries? We're not sure yet, but we'll see. I understand that doctors and social workers want to protect themselves (and the child) by being extremely vigilant and cautious, it can just be a little discouraging to be the object of this vigilance.

While we don't really like the hassle of all of this documentation, or the climate of suspicion we feel like we live in, we really do want the system to be wary when it comes to the safety of some of the most vulnerable members of our society. Abuse happens in the foster care system and we need to do everything we can to prevent it. We certainly don't like feeling as if the system is out to get us and that the more injuries we report the worse we look. But our hope is that as we develop better relationships with social workers and doctors this suspicion can be lessened. Yet with a system as big and complicated as the foster care system, we really do hope that some healthy suspicion remains. So for now I find myself in the ironic position of the being the slightly overprotective helicopter parent, not so much because I don't want Carson to get "owies" that are fixed with kisses and cold-packs, but because I don't want to have to document one more injury.

Our Foster Family 5 for Friday! Vol. 3

{This post is intended to share the Top 5 highlights (good, bad or in-between) of our foster family's journey for the week.}

1. "Carson" had his 1st overnight visit tonight!

We prepared a detailed bed time routine outline for his parents to help make the transition as smooth as possible. We talked with Carson about having a 'night night' at Mama and Dada's then we let him help us pack his bag. He picked his blankie and stuffed animal and shoved them into his backpack. Overnight visits mean you drop him off in the morning and pick him up the evening of the day his visit ends. This one is a one-nighter but the future schedule is two-consecutive nights a week at his parents.

It kinda seemed like a regular visit when I dropped him off but I knew deep down I was about to go the longest time without being with him since he first stepped his wobbly legs into our home. My eyes teared up a bit as I drove home knowing that the distance between us only grows from here.

2. In addition to Carson having his overnight visit, today was the roughest day in Our Foster Parenting Journey. The details we'll leave for another post...(yay, a post besides "5 for Fridays"!) Up until this point, we have had difficult days learning to adjust, having to discipline and deal with tantrums and aggression after visits, sleepless nights, awkward interactions with parents, etc. but today was one of those days that you would rather not be a foster parent at all. Where you want to pull out the white flag and climb the highest mountain top and wave it fervently. A day you want to spend crying and venting to your compassionate and caring mom all your hurts and fears about foster parenting. A day that makes me so grateful for my husband who is even keel and can spend the entire afternoon talking with social workers and placement workers to deal with an angry birth parent and not allow it to affect his attitude or demeanor in a negative way. As I sit here and type all I can do is breath a sigh of relief and think, whew, I am just glad the day is over and a brand new day that history hasn't yet written and is filled with new mercies and graces...begins tomorrow.

3. Now, if you knew Paul you would know he doesn't usually come across as a guy who does cute things, but the wonderful thing is, he does cute things everyday. One cute thing he did this week is he picked out Carson's outfit for the day specifically to match his outfit for the day. (He doesn't even like to match me!) I usually pick Carson's outfit but with "Maggie" I sometimes get too busy to. So lately Paul has had the opportunity to change Carson out of his pajama's. One morning he was really excited because he came up with the brilliant plan to have them both match. And they spent the day together looking like this:

4. Maggie has learned to sit up from a laying down position! Each morning she has been sitting up saying "nay nay nay nay" intermixed with whines and occasional cries. One morning she was even sitting up facing our bed and waving both of her hands in the air while "nay naying". She likes to scoot everywhere and it's just a matter of time before she is crawling everywhere. She also learned the skill of eating solid foods without pushing the food back out with her tongue. This has helped meal time be a lot less messy and more worthwhile for all of us! ;)

5. We visited our county's Foster Parent Association this week. What an amazing resource! The president of the association was there and she has fostered over 300 kids! Talk about a source of knowledge and experience. We walked out of there with 4 pillow pets, pajama's and shoes for Carson, a "Welcome Bag" full of clothes, toys, and blankets, for Maggie and a new appreciation for our community.

BONUS FRIDAY!!!!! 

Caution contains "Bathroom Talk"!

6. Carson used the toilet (potty) for the first time this week! He was telling us before he pooped that he had to poop, so we thought we mine as well use that to our advantage. As I was getting the bath ready I sat him on the toilet and he pee'd in the toilet like he does it everyday...well, he does pee everyday but not while on the toilet! He just sat there and didn't even tell me, he just waited until I was ready to put him in the tub. His potty plays a song when you use it and so the song kept playing over and over. He got really excited when I let him pick an M&M but I don't think he really knew why he was getting such a sweet treat.

7. Maggie cries....no she screams every time we give her a bath. It's a pretty miserable 10 minutes. Our niece who is almost a year old was in the bathroom with us as we were preparing the bath and it looked like she wanted to go in and her parents said it was okay if she went in, so Maggie and her foster cousin took a bath together and Maggie loved it! She even laughed and smiled, which is something we never thought we would see her do in a bath tub! Our bathtub secret weapon is our niece and it helps out our sister-and-brother-in-law because they get a "free clean kid pass". It's win-win-win all around!

Our Foster Family 5 for Friday...one day late! Vol. 2

Summer days seem to blend together and it is difficult to distinguish between last week and this week. You would think with visits being on certain days of the week I would be able to keep better track but I found it took a lot of effort to come up with 5 things that I was sure happened this week and not last week or the week before.

Here are our family's 5 for this week...I am sure of it!

1. First let me revise the comment last week that "Carson's" transition into his toddler bed is not exactly the "smoothest transition in toddler history" but perhaps the nearly smoothest. Such a rookie parent mistake to claim something during the first week. All veteran parents know you don't claim a title without waiting at least two weeks! The first week the toddler bed was new and exciting and should be used with caution. The second week the toddler bed is old and boring but has the potential to be exciting again if he gets out of bed anytime he wants, jumps on it or realizes no one can make him lay down. Lucky for us, we aren't the average newbie parents and we moved the video monitor from "Maggie's" crib back to Carson's room. Paul says Carson is way more entertaining to watch than 6 month old Maggie. Between the voice activated video monitor and closing the hallway door Carson has been staying in his bed and laying down while in bed.

2. My favorite mental picture of this week was when I walked in to see Paul standing holding Maggie in the Ergo Baby Carrier (See last week's 5 for Friday) and he had a comb in his hand and was combing her hair while using the hall mirror to check his work. He did this on his own, I had not asked him to Ergo her or comb her hair! It was pretty much the most adorable thing I've seen in a long time. :)

3. On Thursday morning Maggie and I went to greet Carson good morning. He was standing looking out his window and didn't even notice us standing right next to him for about 10 seconds. He was too busy watching his uncle digging for tree roots in the front yard. (We removed a tree and are in the process of re-landscaping). He kept saying "diggin'." The way he says diggin' is so cute I kept asking him what his uncle was doing just so I could hear him say it over and over. Paul did take him out diggin'. Here he is taking a water break, notice his hands that are "all dirdee" as he would say.

 4. We received an email from Carson's worker that he will begin the process of overnights with his parents in a couple of weeks. He will begin with 2 nights a week and his stay will increase as the months progress. This saddened me more than I thought it would. It is the final step before reunification and the thought of him leaving for good made my heart ache. Of course, there are a number of months before he actually reunifies, but there is an end in sight. I know our goal is reunification and I am ultimately thankful his parents are on the right road and making good choices, but the emotions are real and this boy who was once a stranger is now one of my favorite people in the world and I miss him when his naps go longer than expected. You can't really prepare for him leaving months from now because that requires a step back, an emotional, physical, mental removal in order to protect my heart from the pain that is inevitable. But he's still here and he still needs love and care and it is just impossible to protect myself from the pain without him reaping negative consequences. So I will continue to give him 100% of me and enjoy every moment we have together as family.

5. We had our first date night in over a month. We went out to dinner, ate ice cream, and went to the theater to see Disney/Pixar's Monsters U. It took me until the movie started to actually relax and stop thinking about the next thing that needed to get done and that helped me realize we really need date nights more often! Here's a scene from the movie I felt I could relate to:

Our Foster Family 5 for Friday! Vol. 1

In an effort to help us blog on a more regular basis we came up with 'Our Foster Family 5 for Friday' posts. "Carson" likes to give High-5's and so we thought it would be fun to feature five things that we experienced as a foster family for the week.

1. Carson is really into "owies" and any slight bump or knock to any body part is an instant owie that requires a kiss and a "boo boo owl," a kid-friendly ice pack that looks like this:

Well, on Sunday, Carson being the adventurous boy he is had 3 real owie accidents! Two of which left evidence on his face and the third was a surprise fall from his crib when he climbed out for the first time, only five minutes after we put him in bed. This required pictures taken and emails sent to his social worker and our licensing worker to inform them of the incidents. It also required us to take him to the doctor for a check-up as per the licensing worker (who was just trying to make sure we were protected in case there was a complaint by one of his parents.) Reporting owies and doctor appointments for rather harmless owies are some of the things that remind us that while in our eyes these are our kids, in the eyes of the law they aren't.

2. Due to Carson's adventurous spirit we spent Monday morning (rather, Paul spent Monday morning) changing Carson's crib into a toddler bed. The fall was from a decent height and left him uninjured but pretty shaken up. Paul heard a thump and rushed in to see Carson standing in the middle of his room screaming. We don't want any more accident reports or doctor visits so we decided the trade off would be worth it to try to transition him into a toddler bed. And to our great surprise, he has had the smoothest transition from crib to toddler bed in toddler history. If only those darn nightmares would cease we might be able to get a good night's sleep!

3. Since we are on the topic of sleeping, "Maggie" is having difficulty falling asleep when it's time for bed. The solution: a couple of nights this week Paul offered to put her in the Ergo Baby Carrier and walk around the neighborhood until she fell asleep. It looks similar to this (only Paul is much more cuter than Orlando Bloom!):

Sometimes their walks began at 9:30pm! But nevertheless, Paul is the Ergo-whisperer and he has been able to get her to sleep for the night. Did I mention he is my favorite foster dad ever? Getting babies to fall asleep is by no means just a foster parent problem, but what makes us think twice before allowing Maggie or Carson to cry themselves to sleep is the fact that when they first arrive here this isn't their "home." At some point they do need to learn to put themselves to sleep, but we have not had the chance to bond with them from birth, so we try to use as many opportunities to hold and cuddle (and ergo) to build our attachment with these kids. Sometimes we do let them cry it out, but I guess there's a different wrinkle when it comes to foster kids.

4. Maybe the most significant thing that happened this week was Grandma and Grandpa moved away for the unforeseeable future. Their last night was filled with hugs and tears. Carson seemed to know something was happening, the first thing he said when he woke up the next morning was, "Gramma?" and put his hands up to ask "where?"

5. Thankfully, Grandma and Grandpa recorded their voices reading books for the grandkids and gave them as gifts before they left. This is a life-saver because Maggie LOVES, LOVES, LOVES Grandpa's voice. She is so content in his arms when he is talking, she just looks up in admiration and awe. It is the sweetest thing. So these books come in handy when her bottle is taking a lot longer to prepare than expected and she gets fussy. We just pop open the book and Grandpa's voice ceases the crying in an instant. It's kind of fun to think about why she's so attracted to his voice. Maybe she has a great relationship with a biological grandpa or some family friend, or maybe it's just a random coincidence. Whatever the case, we are carefully trying to preserve this weapon of comfort only for emergencies.

Placement #2

About a week ago we decided to put our name back on the list for potential placements. We're licensed to care for 2 foster children, but after receiving "Carson" we felt what I'm assuming is the traditional new parent feeling of being completely overwhelmed. So, we turned down the next few placement calls we received and the placement workers took us off the active list. However, as we've settled into a nice routine with Carson we thought about expanding our family. Our perfect plan included a 2 and a half to 3 year old boy who could walk and talk and get along great with Carson. We even thought it could just be a short term placement for the summer since that would work great with our schedules.

Well, our perfect plan didn't seem quite so important when the placement worker called and said that a 5 month old baby girl needed a safe place to stay. So, about an hour after the call we went down to the office to pick up "Maggie" (not her real name). She is beautiful, has a fantastic smile, and is pretty much wearing us out. We were able to skip this stage of life with Carson since we got him when he was 12 months, but now we are living in the 3 hour cycle of eat, play, sleep, with some crying mixed in. We're back to the overwhelmed stage of life as it is taking what seems like all of our time to manage these 2 kids, but we're hoping that once routines are established and we figure out what we are doing it will get easier.

Through it all, Maggie is being very understanding; in fact I would say she is handling the change better than we are. While we have a limited experience with foster kids, we've noticed that both kids we have are very resilient in the face of change. They are taken away from everything and everyone they know, yet they can still smile, play, sleep, and bond with us. Maybe it's because they are used to a lot of change in their biological families, or maybe it's just the adaptability of human nature and the grace of God, but it is such an impressive thing to see.

As we are trying to get our lives back to a sense of normalcy, we are extremely grateful for our extended family who has been so helpful. I don't know if most foster parents have the kind of family support that we have, but it's hard to imagine the last week without our family helping with meals, being flexible to meet our lack of a schedule, and just playing with our kids. We don't know much about Maggie's situation, or how long she will be with us, but we are trying our best to love her.

First Court Experience

Every 6 months or so there is a hearing to review and evaluate the situation of a child in foster care. Our little guy has been with us for 7 months and had his first review hearing not too long ago. We were told to be there at 8:30am and to bring "Carson" with us. We arrived on time and his mom and dad were already there waiting in the lobby adjacent to the courtroom. Thankfully, since this was a juvenile courtroom, the lobby had some toys and books, and even some furniture Carson's size.

Carson's social worker arrived a while later and told us that while the court notification said to be there at 8:30, we had plenty of time to wait while everyone involved got settled.  I guess you could say showing up at the scheduled time was a rookie mistake, like not realizing that when you hear the party starts at 8, none of the cool kids will show up until 9. So, like the kid who shows up before everyone else and stands around looking uncomfortable, we spent about 2 hours sitting there in the lobby with Carson and his parents.  There was the occasional conversation with a social worker or a lawyer, but for the most part we just sat and watched Carson play with his mom and dad.

I will admit it was a little awkward. It always seems awkward when we watch Carson interact with his parents. We try hard to think of Carson as our son, not a kid we are babysitting or even a favorite nephew, but our own son whom we love more than anything. We are far from perfect, and since we don't have biological children we are still trying to figure out how to be parents, let alone foster parents (This struggle might be an entirely separate blog post). Anyways, we try and love Carson as our own son, but here are his biological parents demonstrating that we are not his only parents, and in some ways, we are not even his "real" parents. His parents have never said anything like this to us, but we see it in the way they interact with him. We sat in the lobby for 2 hours and for 2 hours his mom and dad played with him, getting down on his level and taking toys that probably had 20 minutes of interest and making them last 120 minutes.

In a sad and selfish way, this may be easier for us if we could watch and see that Carson's parents did not really care about him that much.  If they were to only give him some of their attention or keep their heads buried in their smartphones, then we could think that we were somehow "better" or something. Of course this really isn't what we want. We are so happy to see Carson's parents engaged, and to see how much they love him, and how much he loves them, makes the likelihood of reunification a lot easier to think about. It's just that times like this remind us that this family we are working hard to create is most likely temporary, and will never be the "only" family that Carson has. We want Carson's bond with his parents to get stronger, and so for 2 hours we have to almost disengage as the parents that we try to be and just be observers as Carson plays, laughs, questions, and cries. While it is a little awkward to interact with another couple who thinks of "your" child as "their" child, what is most difficult is to try and give Carson's parents space to be the parents while not wanting Carson to feel that we are disengaged from him. I'm afraid that Carson will think of us as the parents who take care of him, except when those other parents are around. That's not the kind of parents we want to be, and trying to figure this out for ourselves is hard enough without trying to explain it to a toddler.

Eventually, Carson's name is called and we find seats at the back of the courtroom. There are attorneys for mom, dad, Carson, and Child Welfare. The Child Welfare attorney recommends 6 more months of services, no other attorneys object, and the judge says that we will meet again in December. After 2 hours of waiting, the 3 minute hearing is a little anti-climactic, but the outcome is what we were expecting. I suppose it's fitting that in the midst of a legal procedure leading to Carson's reunification with his parents, we got a little relational procedure reminding us of our unique relationship with Carson as his foster parents.