Best Gift for a (Foster) Mom

Paul is so sweet.

He gave me a gift that would help me remember “Carson” and “Maggie”. (Remember how I mentioned in a ‘5 for Friday’ post that he does cute things everyday?)

It is a gift that keeps on giving because every time I take a moment to look at this beautiful bracelet, I remember my precious children and say a prayer for them.

One of my favorite things about this gift is that it has plenty of room to add more initials. :)

Grieving, Part 3

[This is the 3rd & final installment of our Grieving Series, for this season in our lives.]

Last May, in a post we published about attachment, we mentioned a quote by Corrie Ten Boom. We used this quote to illustrate the principle that even though reunification will be difficult due to the attachment we create with foster children, we should not fear the pain and grief because when He has commanded us to do something and we obey, He will give us everything we need in just the right time. (You can read the post here.) 

I am here to say, it is true! He will provide everything we need in just the right time!

This process of grieving was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Of course, there was plenty of sadness and times when tears could begin flowing at any moment due to any thousands of triggers. There were nights when I slept with my Bible because it was the only tangible thing of God that I have, and I wanted Him close for comfort. But I also sensed the prayers of those who love us and support us, so the pain was never unbearable or overwhelming. In fact, I always had a sense of peace, you know, the kind that surpasses all understanding. Peace that He is in control and knows exactly what He is doing, even in the midst of pain and sadness.

"...But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves 

but on God,

who raises the dead. 

He HAS delivered us... we have set our hope on him

that he WILL CONTINUE to deliver us, 

as you help us by your prayers.

Then many will give thanks to God 

for the gracious favor granted to us, 

in answer to your many prayers.” 

2 Corinthians 1:9-11

Each year we find that there is a theme for our year that we can sum up in one word. This year we see the word "grieving", or maybe it's "trusting". We have experienced tragedy and disappointment in a few ways already this year, and the pain seems to have culminated with "Carson" and "Maggie" leaving our home (at least, we hope this is the culmination and there is not more to come in the next few months).

From the very beginning we have tried our best to grieve well. To experience all the emotions that come with tragedy and to grow from the experience. And we found that with each painful and sad circumstance what we learned became a stepping stone to help us cope with the next one. It's not that grieving became easier, but maybe more familiar. As we mentioned in 'Grieving, Part 2', we were not created for grief, but it is an inescapable part of life in a fallen world.

So here we are, it's been a couple of weeks since we have been parents to children in our home. Not many people get to re-experience life before kids once they have kids, but we do. It is nice that we have the freedom to just go to Starbucks and write blog posts or read for pleasure; but there is definitely something missing because while we did not physically create and give birth to these children, we are parents. I may not have the stretch marks of labor on my stomach, but I am a mother.

I have labored for my kids and been stretched in ways that will never go away, even if I never have another foster or biological child to care for. We will forever think, feel, and pray differently because of Carson and Maggie. And pray is one of the few things, yet also the most powerful thing, we can do for these kids now that they have reunified with their birth families.

"So we don't focus on the troubles we see right now;

instead we look forward to what we don't see yet.

For the troubles we see now are temporary,

but the joys to come will last forever."

2 Corinthians 4:18

While we may be suffering through the grief of not having our children anymore, we look forward to being a support system for always, praying that they may know Jesus and share our hope in the joys to come that will last forever.

Grieving, Part 2

Both "Carson" and "Maggie" reunified with their parents in the past two weeks. This was not a surprise, in fact you could say that we have been expecting it since before we even met them. But the feelings of grief and loss are real, and we are still in the midst of recovering from them. Here's a few things that we have been talking about during the past week.

The world is broken, so grief and loss are always going to be a part of our lives. God did not originally create us to suffer the pain of losing relationships that we care about, but sin has made this a common occurrence. I usually try to live in a way that manages grief the best I can, hoping that I will be able to minimize the pain that comes with it. Yet this is neither possible nor what we think God wants us to do.  

We are experiencing what most people fear when it comes to foster parenting, the loss of children we have loved like our own. I have seen that this is the most common reason people give for why they could never be foster parents.  

So why did we do it?  

I would say it's not because the pain we feel is less than what others may feel. We did this because we believe that the pain we feel is worth the love and security we were able to give these kids. If pain will always be a part of life, then we want to make our pain count for something, and we think kids in the foster system count a lot.

We have also realized that the pain we feel right now really isn't that unique to foster parenting. All parents must deal with the loss that comes with being a parent. Carson and Maggie have left our home and no longer rely on us for survival, nurturing, or guidance. We cannot control their environment or the decisions that they make. I think this could also be a pretty good description of how parents feel when their children go away to college, or even just become teenagers. There are obviously some major differences in this comparison, but we've found it helpful to spend some time looking at our situation from this perspective.

While we feel the lives of our foster children are "riskier" than the lives of our biological children would be, this really isn't true. I had someone tell me that he spent a lot more time praying for Carson than he did for the other children he knew because he felt like Carson needed the extra prayer since he did not have nice Christian parents and a nice Christian family. I find this true in my life too. I worry a lot more about Carson and Maggie now that they are not with us.  

The irony, and what this person pointed out, was that we are all completely dependent on the sovereignty and grace of God. I need just as much grace and prayer as Carson does. My nieces and nephews and their wonderful Christian families need to experience God's grace just as much as my foster children and their biological families. There are certainly physical and emotional factors at play with our foster children that are unique and more dangerous, but when it comes to their basic need to know that God loves them and is showering His grace on them, we are all the same.

The above thought gives us a good perspective about our foster kids, and ourselves, but it doesn't really make me worry any less about Carson and Maggie. As I try and deal with the feelings of fear and anxiety about the future of our foster kids, I've been looking for some truths to hold on to.

When I worry about these kids and what their lives will look like in the future, when I worry that they may just continue their family's cycle of brokenness and end up with messed up lives and their own children in the foster system twenty years from now, what can I count on? I'm not looking for a hope that I wish could happen, but a hope that I can count on happening no matter what (I suppose that this is another similarity between our position and the position of any biological parent concerned about his adult children).

I believe that God has created Carson and Maggie, that He loves them, and that He has a plan for them. However, I also must believe the same things about their parents, the ones who have the issues and problems that broke their families. I desperately want Carson and Maggie to break this cycle in their families, but I have no guarantees, and statistically speaking, this may even be unlikely.

So what can I really be confident about?

As I'm still struggling through this, I have come to think that what I can always be sure of is that Carson and Maggie are always one moment away from a life-changing experience of God's grace.

I heard this in the lyrics of a song, "Every breath is a second chance." Like every parent, foster, biological, or adoptive, I have no guarantees about my child's relationship with God, but I do know that God will always be working in them, His grace will always be surrounding them, and they are always one moment away from experiencing that grace in a way that will change their lives.

Sad Monkey, Happy Flower

At nap time, "Carson" was reading books in his bed. As I wandered around the house picking up toys and doing various other chores, I hear his voice,

"Moqueek!" "Moqueek!"

I walked in his room, "Yes Carson? What do you need?"

He points to Curious George's face, "Sad! Sad!", he says.

"Yeah, you're right, he is sad Carson. He is so sad."

"So sad," he repeats.

Then he points to the yellow flower and says, "Flaow-wer".

"Yeah, that's a flower, a yellow flower."

"Flaow-wer!" he exclaims happily.

Maybe this sweet almost 2 year old has a point...

In the midst of our sadness there is beauty all around us. And if we take the time to notice it, we can be happy in the midst of the sad.

Carson definitely knows something is up. He may not be able to express it in words just yet, but he is observant and knows his room is looking a little different and toys that were once in his room at our home are now in his parent's home. He knows when we say good-bye after our 2 day visit that we are saying good-bye for a lot longer than a couple of hours. Sometimes he is so sad he cries and refuses to say good-bye. But then he sees his parents and he is happy.

While this part of the experience is so sad, we do realize that there is beauty and joy in it as well.

God is choosing to use us as He redeems families. If there is one thing we have learned about God in our own personal lives, it's that He is in the business of Redemption. He takes broken things, things that we've really messed up because of our selfish choices, and heals them with love and grace. I think that maybe it's because we've experienced this in our own lives that we are drawn to foster parenting. We want to be used to extend God's grace not only to kids, but also their families. It's usually not the kids who have made selfish choices, but they are often paying the price for the choices of their parents. Sometimes redemption looks like finding a new adoptive family for a child, other times it is the healing of a biological family. For us, this is the ultimate goal of foster parenting: that children will experience a redeemed family, and will be transformed by the love and grace that makes redemption possible.

We have no regrets. We tried to love these children like they were our own. We gave them the best family experience we could. And we had so many family and friends who did the same for them.

While the word "redemption" is not part of Carson's vocabulary yet, I like to think that moments where he can recognize the beauty of a flower in the midst of sadness tells me that he understands what it is.

Update!

In our last update we shared that we found out "Carson" would be reunifying a lot sooner than expected.

Well, not only is he reunifying in a week, but so is our beloved little "Maggie."

Same week, two days apart.

While these dates can change since everything is fluid with the foster care system, it looks like we will go from parents of 2 to parents of 0 in just a few days. Carson's and Maggie's reunification is not a surprise, but that does not really change the loss we will feel when we drop them off for the last time.

Grieving, Part 1

“Carson” is on his 3rd social worker since entering the system in October. His current social worker is our favorite. We know most social workers care for the well-being of these precious kids but she goes above and beyond to make sure that reunification with Mom and Dad will be permanent and transitions are as smooth as possible. We thought that this process of reunification would take place early next year, but the system is bigger than even Carson’s worker, and it has been decided to complete reunification in the next couple months. 

So we went from Carson having 1 overnight, to 2 overnights, to 5 overnights per week with his parents in a matter of just 3 weeks.

This means we currently see Carson for 48 hours per week and we have begun (what we perceive to be) the long-road of grieving the loss of a child.

Before his first 5-night visit I packed up most of Carson’s clothes since he would now be living with Mom and Dad the majority of the time. This was the first thing that made this loss real. I held back tears as we packed the car and gave hugs to the family and buckled Carson into his car seat. We live just a few minutes away from his parents home and I knew I didn’t want to have “the crying face” when we got there. You know, the red watery eyes and pink runny nose look. So I kept thinking of happy things that had nothing to do with Carson.

Of course, Carson was happy to see his Mom and it really does help to see his joy and her joy to be together again.

The first 5-days without Carson were difficult, but it was actually pretty easy to distract myself or stuff away any thoughts or feelings of missing him. At one point, I realized this isn’t the healthiest way to grieve, so I made the choice to put forth the effort to allow myself to feel the sadness and ache and grow from it instead of acting like it isn’t there.

Maybe the most difficult experience I had was when I went to go pick up “Maggie” from her family visit. I was stopped at a light and there he was getting off the bus with his Mom. He was living everyday life without us and as I watched his mom pulling him along the lyrics on the radio sang, “Hold on now don't you blink or it's gone”  and the ache overwhelmed me and tears began to well up and I tried not to blink.

As we approach this road of grief, Paul and I talk a lot about it. We share our feelings and thoughts everyday. And I think having Maggie with us helps with our perspective too. Carson isn’t our sole concern and she reminds us with her beautiful smile and adorable coos that life is bigger than our problems and grief. She reminds us that there are many other kids out there who still need help and even in our sadness we can still attach to them and love them and help them too.

That song I was listening to had lyrics that also sang:

Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new

While it isn’t a song I would play regularly to help me through these stages of grief, I agree that loving Carson has been beautiful and true and life is still beautiful and new.

I have been learning so many new things in life as a foster parent, I can now almost relate to people who say they could never do foster care because they would get attached and wouldn’t be able to give the child back. Except that I would totally do foster care to know a kid like Carson.