Guest Post: A Foster Grandma’s Perspective

We are so excited to share our very first Guest Post!

A support system is crucial in foster parenting and we are so blessed to have such amazing family backing us in this crazy journey! We are always interested in others’ perspectives and thought it would be fun and interesting to share them with our readers.

Mom/Grandma has been our #1 cheerleader in the good times, not-so good times and everything in-between. From being one of the first to meet the new family member, to providing for his/her needs, to offering a listening ear or encouragement to the worn foster parent, she is a jewel to have in our lives. It was difficult to find pictures of Grandma and “Carson” where he wasn’t "facing" the camera, so I had to use some photo-editing to make them postable. He loves being with Grandma and doesn’t mind the camera when she is by his side. You can be sure his expression is either smiling or a look of contentment. Thanks, Mom for sharing your heart and thanks for being you! We love you!

A Foster Grandma’s Perspective

One year ago (almost to this day), a chubby one year old baby boy who was just learning to walk suddenly came into our family’s lives. He came to our family from his family who was in crisis. I remember getting the call from our kids saying, “Mom – we are picking up a 12 month old baby boy in about 30 minutes and we don’t have anything for him!” So off this Grandma went to Walmart to buy a few things: diapers, formula, bottles, t-shirts, pjs, shirts, pants and socks and shoes! Somehow it wasn’t hard to spend money on a child we knew nothing about other than the fact that he needed a safe spot to land and some extra love and attention for a few days.

Being a pediatric nurse (for over 30 years) I love kids – especially babies and toddlers. I have also seen many children and families in difficult crisis situations. So, being the professional that I am, I thought that I could weather the foster grand parenting storm without getting too wet! I thought that my “professional boundaries” would carry over into this situation and I would be able to protect my heart. But that was not to be. This little boy with his boundless energy and unsteady gait worked his way right into my heart. He quickly became one of the grandchildren – as this grandma was totally hooked on him!

We originally thought that “Carson” would only be with our family for a few days, but the days stretched into weeks. Christmas was coming and we were pretty sure he would be sent to a relative’s home, so we all gave him his presents early. Then Christmas came and he was still with us….so we gave him more presents! The weeks then became months. Eleven months to be exact – almost half of his little life!

We weathered some illnesses together (like the call in the middle of the night to nurse grandma for a very croupy little boy who needed a trip to the ER and a breathing treatment), and then we all shared our colds back and forth last winter.

We did all the fun things that grandmas and grandkids do together. We babysat, we read books, we cuddled, we sang songs, we went on walks to the mall. I will never forget hearing him sing the words “Holy, Holy, Holy …God mighty” as the sound came through the baby monitor while he was in his crib one day. This was his favorite song he learned at the children’s program at BSF.


The next thing we knew – there was another call for a family in crisis and we added a beautiful little 5 month old baby girl to the family mix. She reminded me of a little baby doll! So once again, this Grandma was off on a shopping trip – this time for pink outfits!!

When Grandma and Grandpa moved to Asia in June, it was so hard to say goodbye to all of the grandchildren. But it was particularly hard to say good bye to our foster grandchildren as we didn’t know if we would ever see them again. Grandparenting from a distance is a challenge and we are very thankful for technology which makes it a little more fun – but we miss the cuddle times for sure!

A few weeks ago we received the news that our two foster grandbabies were being reunited with their families. What a bittersweet time this has been for this Grandma’s heart. I will confess, I have cried quite a few tears. I think that a Grandma’s grief is doubly hard….we grieve for our own children (the foster parents) and feel their pain, we also grieve for the grandchildren and the disruption to their little worlds, and then we have our own pain over the loss as well. In my heart I am truly happy that the families are reunited but I won’t lie - I am sad for our family. I miss seeing their little faces over the computer as we Skype. These little ones will forever have a place in our hearts.


You may ask, “When it is so painful to say goodbye, are you going to open yourself up and risk the hurt again when the next foster grandkids come on the scene?” My answer is, “Absolutely!” It is so worth the investment to be able to play one small part in God’s story for the lives of these children. Life is risky and we would miss out on so much that God has to offer and teach us if we closed our hearts to these little children.

And so I say to my own children – Paul and Monique – thank you for allowing us the joy to travel on this foster parenting journey with you. Thank you for opening your home and our family to the joys and the sorrows of this journey. We are proud to be the grandparents of as many foster children as God brings into your home! And yes, we will take on the risk of pain and grief with you, because the love and joy we have the opportunity to give and receive is so worth it!

What’s Next?

We are back from a two week blog break…of course, we are not too awesome at updating our blog regularly; but we allowed ourselves to not feel the pressure of needing to post something, especially since we do not currently have kids to post about! :)

It has been about a month since our kids reunified with their parents. We’ve seen “Maggie” once and “Carson” once. (We hope to share our visits in an upcoming post!) In that month we have taken the time and put in the effort to grieve well, for our well-being and for the well-being of the next foster child we will welcome into our home!

We have been discussing the next chapter in our foster parenting journey, and we have narrowed it down to these options:

Option: Foster Care
We currently have a post-it on our file with the county that says we are taking a one-month break and are not taking any placements at this time. All we need to do is call and have that post-it taken off and we will most likely get a call in less than a week (from our past experience with both kids) for a new placement. This is the option we have experience with, the placement can be anywhere from a couple months to years! (Maggie’s placement was 3 months, Carson’s placement was 11 months)

Option: Way Station
We can sign up to be a Way Station foster family. This means we would be available on an “on-call” basis to receive children immediately following a removal, helping the child avoid placement at the local children’s center. We would be considered an emergency placement for a maximum of 30 days, with a goal of 10 days to find a relative, non-related extended family member or a long-term foster home. This is a relatively new program development where the family would be strictly Way Station only. While we were in the regular foster care option, both Carson and Maggie were emergency placements that we were happy to keep for more than a few weeks.

Option: Adoption
We talk with our Adoption Worker and fill-out a detailed form that shares with the worker what health, behavioral, developmental, and background issues we are open to having in a child. We then wait to be “matched” with a child whose history closely matches our requests and would possibly work well with our family dynamics as displayed in our Home Study Report (a written report of our lives as taken through interviews during our licensing process). This option can take a long time depending on how open we are to the issues presented. The child can be legally free for adoption already, or we can go with what is called Concurrent Care and  take the risk of being placed with a child that does not yet have their parental rights terminated, but looks like that would happen in the future.

Option: Foster-to-Adopt
We welcome a child who is in foster care but appears to be on the likely path to have his or her parental rights terminated due to the parents not making wise decisions in the reunification process.The termination of parental rights will then allow the child to be available for adoption. But we are not “matched” with this child, it will be a child who needs a foster home and we will learn of their health, behavioral, developmental, and background issues as we get to know them in our home. Of course, there is risk to this option just as in Concurrent Care adoption because the parents can make good decisions and be able to reunify.

4 options, all have their pros and cons.

As we have been discussing these options we have had to re-evaluate the principles that we want to guide us in our work with “the system.” One of these principles is that we want to minimize the number of placements these kids will have. Every move that these kids make is one more instance of trauma and loss, and we want to spare these kids from that.

We are thrilled that we were the only placement that Carson and Maggie had. They were not bounced around to multiple families or children’s centers, but they were with us until they were able to reunify. We think this is a big reason why they continued to grow and thrive during their time away from their biological parents.

However, the difficulty with wanting to be the only placement these kids ever have is that most kids who enter the foster system end up reunifying with their families. So, if we really want to adopt a child the most efficient thing to do would be to find a child who has been in the system long enough for it to become clear that reunification is no longer likely. Minimizing the number of moves a child makes is important, but it’s not the most important thing we can do. You could argue that the kids who have been bounced around to multiple placements need a safe and loving family the most.

So, what’s next?

Well, we are still talking through these issues (and working through some delays with the county), but we hope to have kids in our home soon.

Best Gift for a (Foster) Mom

Paul is so sweet.

He gave me a gift that would help me remember “Carson” and “Maggie”. (Remember how I mentioned in a ‘5 for Friday’ post that he does cute things everyday?)

It is a gift that keeps on giving because every time I take a moment to look at this beautiful bracelet, I remember my precious children and say a prayer for them.

One of my favorite things about this gift is that it has plenty of room to add more initials. :)

Grieving, Part 3

[This is the 3rd & final installment of our Grieving Series, for this season in our lives.]

Last May, in a post we published about attachment, we mentioned a quote by Corrie Ten Boom. We used this quote to illustrate the principle that even though reunification will be difficult due to the attachment we create with foster children, we should not fear the pain and grief because when He has commanded us to do something and we obey, He will give us everything we need in just the right time. (You can read the post here.) 

I am here to say, it is true! He will provide everything we need in just the right time!

This process of grieving was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Of course, there was plenty of sadness and times when tears could begin flowing at any moment due to any thousands of triggers. There were nights when I slept with my Bible because it was the only tangible thing of God that I have, and I wanted Him close for comfort. But I also sensed the prayers of those who love us and support us, so the pain was never unbearable or overwhelming. In fact, I always had a sense of peace, you know, the kind that surpasses all understanding. Peace that He is in control and knows exactly what He is doing, even in the midst of pain and sadness.

"...But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves 

but on God,

who raises the dead. 

He HAS delivered us... we have set our hope on him

that he WILL CONTINUE to deliver us, 

as you help us by your prayers.

Then many will give thanks to God 

for the gracious favor granted to us, 

in answer to your many prayers.” 

2 Corinthians 1:9-11

Each year we find that there is a theme for our year that we can sum up in one word. This year we see the word "grieving", or maybe it's "trusting". We have experienced tragedy and disappointment in a few ways already this year, and the pain seems to have culminated with "Carson" and "Maggie" leaving our home (at least, we hope this is the culmination and there is not more to come in the next few months).

From the very beginning we have tried our best to grieve well. To experience all the emotions that come with tragedy and to grow from the experience. And we found that with each painful and sad circumstance what we learned became a stepping stone to help us cope with the next one. It's not that grieving became easier, but maybe more familiar. As we mentioned in 'Grieving, Part 2', we were not created for grief, but it is an inescapable part of life in a fallen world.

So here we are, it's been a couple of weeks since we have been parents to children in our home. Not many people get to re-experience life before kids once they have kids, but we do. It is nice that we have the freedom to just go to Starbucks and write blog posts or read for pleasure; but there is definitely something missing because while we did not physically create and give birth to these children, we are parents. I may not have the stretch marks of labor on my stomach, but I am a mother.

I have labored for my kids and been stretched in ways that will never go away, even if I never have another foster or biological child to care for. We will forever think, feel, and pray differently because of Carson and Maggie. And pray is one of the few things, yet also the most powerful thing, we can do for these kids now that they have reunified with their birth families.

"So we don't focus on the troubles we see right now;

instead we look forward to what we don't see yet.

For the troubles we see now are temporary,

but the joys to come will last forever."

2 Corinthians 4:18

While we may be suffering through the grief of not having our children anymore, we look forward to being a support system for always, praying that they may know Jesus and share our hope in the joys to come that will last forever.

Grieving, Part 2

Both "Carson" and "Maggie" reunified with their parents in the past two weeks. This was not a surprise, in fact you could say that we have been expecting it since before we even met them. But the feelings of grief and loss are real, and we are still in the midst of recovering from them. Here's a few things that we have been talking about during the past week.

The world is broken, so grief and loss are always going to be a part of our lives. God did not originally create us to suffer the pain of losing relationships that we care about, but sin has made this a common occurrence. I usually try to live in a way that manages grief the best I can, hoping that I will be able to minimize the pain that comes with it. Yet this is neither possible nor what we think God wants us to do.  

We are experiencing what most people fear when it comes to foster parenting, the loss of children we have loved like our own. I have seen that this is the most common reason people give for why they could never be foster parents.  

So why did we do it?  

I would say it's not because the pain we feel is less than what others may feel. We did this because we believe that the pain we feel is worth the love and security we were able to give these kids. If pain will always be a part of life, then we want to make our pain count for something, and we think kids in the foster system count a lot.

We have also realized that the pain we feel right now really isn't that unique to foster parenting. All parents must deal with the loss that comes with being a parent. Carson and Maggie have left our home and no longer rely on us for survival, nurturing, or guidance. We cannot control their environment or the decisions that they make. I think this could also be a pretty good description of how parents feel when their children go away to college, or even just become teenagers. There are obviously some major differences in this comparison, but we've found it helpful to spend some time looking at our situation from this perspective.

While we feel the lives of our foster children are "riskier" than the lives of our biological children would be, this really isn't true. I had someone tell me that he spent a lot more time praying for Carson than he did for the other children he knew because he felt like Carson needed the extra prayer since he did not have nice Christian parents and a nice Christian family. I find this true in my life too. I worry a lot more about Carson and Maggie now that they are not with us.  

The irony, and what this person pointed out, was that we are all completely dependent on the sovereignty and grace of God. I need just as much grace and prayer as Carson does. My nieces and nephews and their wonderful Christian families need to experience God's grace just as much as my foster children and their biological families. There are certainly physical and emotional factors at play with our foster children that are unique and more dangerous, but when it comes to their basic need to know that God loves them and is showering His grace on them, we are all the same.

The above thought gives us a good perspective about our foster kids, and ourselves, but it doesn't really make me worry any less about Carson and Maggie. As I try and deal with the feelings of fear and anxiety about the future of our foster kids, I've been looking for some truths to hold on to.

When I worry about these kids and what their lives will look like in the future, when I worry that they may just continue their family's cycle of brokenness and end up with messed up lives and their own children in the foster system twenty years from now, what can I count on? I'm not looking for a hope that I wish could happen, but a hope that I can count on happening no matter what (I suppose that this is another similarity between our position and the position of any biological parent concerned about his adult children).

I believe that God has created Carson and Maggie, that He loves them, and that He has a plan for them. However, I also must believe the same things about their parents, the ones who have the issues and problems that broke their families. I desperately want Carson and Maggie to break this cycle in their families, but I have no guarantees, and statistically speaking, this may even be unlikely.

So what can I really be confident about?

As I'm still struggling through this, I have come to think that what I can always be sure of is that Carson and Maggie are always one moment away from a life-changing experience of God's grace.

I heard this in the lyrics of a song, "Every breath is a second chance." Like every parent, foster, biological, or adoptive, I have no guarantees about my child's relationship with God, but I do know that God will always be working in them, His grace will always be surrounding them, and they are always one moment away from experiencing that grace in a way that will change their lives.

Sad Monkey, Happy Flower

At nap time, "Carson" was reading books in his bed. As I wandered around the house picking up toys and doing various other chores, I hear his voice,

"Moqueek!" "Moqueek!"

I walked in his room, "Yes Carson? What do you need?"

He points to Curious George's face, "Sad! Sad!", he says.

"Yeah, you're right, he is sad Carson. He is so sad."

"So sad," he repeats.

Then he points to the yellow flower and says, "Flaow-wer".

"Yeah, that's a flower, a yellow flower."

"Flaow-wer!" he exclaims happily.

Maybe this sweet almost 2 year old has a point...

In the midst of our sadness there is beauty all around us. And if we take the time to notice it, we can be happy in the midst of the sad.

Carson definitely knows something is up. He may not be able to express it in words just yet, but he is observant and knows his room is looking a little different and toys that were once in his room at our home are now in his parent's home. He knows when we say good-bye after our 2 day visit that we are saying good-bye for a lot longer than a couple of hours. Sometimes he is so sad he cries and refuses to say good-bye. But then he sees his parents and he is happy.

While this part of the experience is so sad, we do realize that there is beauty and joy in it as well.

God is choosing to use us as He redeems families. If there is one thing we have learned about God in our own personal lives, it's that He is in the business of Redemption. He takes broken things, things that we've really messed up because of our selfish choices, and heals them with love and grace. I think that maybe it's because we've experienced this in our own lives that we are drawn to foster parenting. We want to be used to extend God's grace not only to kids, but also their families. It's usually not the kids who have made selfish choices, but they are often paying the price for the choices of their parents. Sometimes redemption looks like finding a new adoptive family for a child, other times it is the healing of a biological family. For us, this is the ultimate goal of foster parenting: that children will experience a redeemed family, and will be transformed by the love and grace that makes redemption possible.

We have no regrets. We tried to love these children like they were our own. We gave them the best family experience we could. And we had so many family and friends who did the same for them.

While the word "redemption" is not part of Carson's vocabulary yet, I like to think that moments where he can recognize the beauty of a flower in the midst of sadness tells me that he understands what it is.