It has been 2 years since we
last updated you on our Foster Parenting Journey. A lot has happened in 2
years! With the 2 year anniversary of "Joey's" placement right around the corner and November being National Adoption Awareness Month we thought it would be a perfect opportunity to share what has been happening in our journey! How about we start where we left off…
“Damien” (a short-term
placement) was a part of our family until January 2014. He was able to be reunified
with extended family including his 3 siblings (just as the placement workers
told us he would, it just took about a month longer than expected.) The night
we dropped him off we also found out we were pregnant with our first biological
child. I remember experiencing a mix of emotions. We were sad to say goodbye to
Damien. He was such a happy, outgoing and funny kid. In our sadness, we were
also surprised and excited to be pregnant. Turns out the pregnancy was not an
easy one and we were not able to take any more placements. Damien was our
last placement since November 2013!
In September 2014 we welcomed
our first biological child Elijah (real name!) into our family. Our first birth
child was an instant sibling. An instant little brother! In the midst of all
these changes and happenings Joey has been constant. He was placed with us a
week before Damien and he has remained a part of our family for these past 2
years! Joey went from only child (for a week) to youngest to only child to finally oldest child and he
has been the most incredible big brother. It gives us unspeakable joy to announce, we will be adopting Joey into our
family forever, hopefully before the end of this year!
Another thing
we experienced since we last updated is that we moved. We were living in
community with Paul’s siblings and their families in the home he grew up
in. This summer, that home that had been in the family 30 years needed to
be sold and so we all moved into our own individual homes. There were 6
children aged 4 and under on the property and it was a difficult transition at
first for Joey, but now he is thriving as truly the oldest child
in our home and he still gets to see his cousins often!
We are currently looking
forward to welcoming short-term placements into our home. We will be a Way
Station family. This means we will have children placed with us that most
likely have a relative that can take them long-term, but that relative needs a
background check and home inspection first. So these placements are meant to be
temporary, usually less than 30 days. (Damien’s placement is a perfect example
of this.) Our capacity is 1 child of either gender, under the age of 3. We
notice Joey thrives most when he is the oldest in our home and so we are making it
a priority that he stays the oldest for his best interest. Way Station will be
a great way to see how our boys respond to bringing another child into our home
for an extended period of time. One of the nice things about Way Station is
that if we need to take a short break for whatever reason the short-term
placement system makes it easy to do that. We hope to be able to welcome long-term
placements in the future.
The first 30 days of a
placement are the hardest. And we signed up to do the first 30 days over and
over and over again. We are bracing ourselves for a wild ride that will be full
of adjustments, stress and inconveniences but also immeasurable rewards. We
look forward to teaching our boys how to care for people in need and also help
them learn and grow from grieving the loss of a beloved foster sibling. We are
excited to see how these little children will grow each of us to know
God and love people in a deeper and more meaningful way. These precious children will easily give us more in 30 days than we will give them.
We'll keep you posted!
Monday, November 2, 2015
Monday, January 20, 2014
Guest Post: A Foster Auntie's Perspective
We couldn't be nearly as effective at parenting kids in "The System" if we did not have family around to help! They readily give us respite when we are tired or need to attend a class. They instantly welcome these kids as if they have always been a part of the family. They love these kids unconditionally. They choose to allow themselves to become attached (and possibly heart-broken) even though they didn't "sign-up" for fostering.
Our sister-in-law J and her husband D live near us and have two precious kids of their own. Not only have J and D attached to our foster kids, but they allow their kids to attach as well! That can be a tricky thing to deal with when the child is not old enough to express their feelings or understand why their foster cousin has visits with his family or is no longer living with Uncle Paul or Auntie Monique; but J&D are willing to go through this with their own children in order to love these foster kids.
J and I are both home during the work week and have been known to have play dates in the backyard or have shopping trips to the nearest shopping center. Even with two little ones of her own, she is always ready to shower attention, love, kisses, and hugs on our kids. She and D have been such huge supporters from prayers, to meals when new kids arrive, to graciously donating their kids' clothes and toys, to being a listening ear, as well as being willing to be fingerprinted to be able to be a regular/overnight babysitter. All our kids love Auntie J and Uncle D and we are thankful their whole family is nearby and we get to share this experience together.
What follows are some of J's thoughts and experiences about being a Foster Aunt. Thanks, J, for being willing to share your heart, your beautiful thoughts, and your experience only an Auntie knows.
When “Carson” joined our family, I remember watching him stumble around and kept thinking how cute he was…especially his cheeks! He quickly became a part of the family! My son and him became real cousins FAST! They played together, followed each other around, and even fought over toys. Then sweet little “Maggie” came. This little cutie-pie wasn’t with us as long as Carson was, but was loved just as much.
When Monique told me they were beginning the journey of foster parenting, we supported them and tried to help any which way we could. Seeing Paul and Monique’s passion for what God had called them to do was, and is still, inspiring! They’ve taught me that we are all called to love, not just the sweet kids that are in the Foster Care system, but also their parents. Yup! Their parents! Wait a second…it’s their parents’ “fault” that they’re even in the system! Right? Well…yes their parents made a mistake, but how amazing that they are offered a chance to change! How awesome that there are people like Paul and Monique who will love and care for those children, AND for the parents and pray for them. How awesome that in this, we see a picture of God’s love for all...for those that know Him already and for those who don’t. How incredible that God’s grace and mercy is the same for ALL.
I was quick to not like “Carson’s” parents, and didn’t want to give them a second chance. Monique kept telling me that once I met her, I’d probably change my mind. She was right. I had the chance to meet “Carson’s” birth mother, and what I saw was a young woman in need of Christ’s love, grace and mercy. She was receiving it…whether or not she understood it. We mess up all the time, maybe not in the same way as the parents of kids in the foster care system do, but we too, receive the same mercy and grace from God. Who am I to judge these parents? Instead, I have been challenged to love and pray for them, especially the parents of the sweet foster nephews and niece I’ve had.
It is hard to see these sweeties come and go, but the time we get to have with them is seriously priceless. Paul and Monique are doing something incredible and need continued prayer as they pour out love on these little “strangers” that pop into their lives.
Our sister-in-law J and her husband D live near us and have two precious kids of their own. Not only have J and D attached to our foster kids, but they allow their kids to attach as well! That can be a tricky thing to deal with when the child is not old enough to express their feelings or understand why their foster cousin has visits with his family or is no longer living with Uncle Paul or Auntie Monique; but J&D are willing to go through this with their own children in order to love these foster kids.
J and I are both home during the work week and have been known to have play dates in the backyard or have shopping trips to the nearest shopping center. Even with two little ones of her own, she is always ready to shower attention, love, kisses, and hugs on our kids. She and D have been such huge supporters from prayers, to meals when new kids arrive, to graciously donating their kids' clothes and toys, to being a listening ear, as well as being willing to be fingerprinted to be able to be a regular/overnight babysitter. All our kids love Auntie J and Uncle D and we are thankful their whole family is nearby and we get to share this experience together.
What follows are some of J's thoughts and experiences about being a Foster Aunt. Thanks, J, for being willing to share your heart, your beautiful thoughts, and your experience only an Auntie knows.
A Foster Auntie's Perspective
So, I’ve now written and erased twice. I don’t even know how to convey my thoughts and feelings toward my foster nephew and niece. I love these two cuties very much and miss them so much!
When “Carson” joined our family, I remember watching him stumble around and kept thinking how cute he was…especially his cheeks! He quickly became a part of the family! My son and him became real cousins FAST! They played together, followed each other around, and even fought over toys. Then sweet little “Maggie” came. This little cutie-pie wasn’t with us as long as Carson was, but was loved just as much.
When Monique told me they were beginning the journey of foster parenting, we supported them and tried to help any which way we could. Seeing Paul and Monique’s passion for what God had called them to do was, and is still, inspiring! They’ve taught me that we are all called to love, not just the sweet kids that are in the Foster Care system, but also their parents. Yup! Their parents! Wait a second…it’s their parents’ “fault” that they’re even in the system! Right? Well…yes their parents made a mistake, but how amazing that they are offered a chance to change! How awesome that there are people like Paul and Monique who will love and care for those children, AND for the parents and pray for them. How awesome that in this, we see a picture of God’s love for all...for those that know Him already and for those who don’t. How incredible that God’s grace and mercy is the same for ALL.
I was quick to not like “Carson’s” parents, and didn’t want to give them a second chance. Monique kept telling me that once I met her, I’d probably change my mind. She was right. I had the chance to meet “Carson’s” birth mother, and what I saw was a young woman in need of Christ’s love, grace and mercy. She was receiving it…whether or not she understood it. We mess up all the time, maybe not in the same way as the parents of kids in the foster care system do, but we too, receive the same mercy and grace from God. Who am I to judge these parents? Instead, I have been challenged to love and pray for them, especially the parents of the sweet foster nephews and niece I’ve had.
It is hard to see these sweeties come and go, but the time we get to have with them is seriously priceless. Paul and Monique are doing something incredible and need continued prayer as they pour out love on these little “strangers” that pop into their lives.
Auntie J giving one of her foster nephews hugs and kisses!
Friday, December 20, 2013
Our Foster Family 5 for Friday! Vol. 4
It’s been a while since we did a 'FF5FF'!
Truth be told, it was a very difficult week. But being that it is Friday night and the week is over, this edition of '5 for Friday' will be focused on the light-hearted, sweet spots from the week…
1. My highlight of the week happened today when we were playing outside.
“Joey” is a curious boy and is enjoying testing the limits as most children do at his age. He was walking to a part of the backyard where I would not be able to see him and as I called for him to come back, he just stood there and smirked. “Damien” loves to be a helper and said, “I’ll get Joey!” He ran over to Joey and said, “Come on Joey, hold my hand.” Joey obediently grabbed his hand and Damien led him back to me, at which point I thanked both boys and let them know where they could play. Damien let go of Joey’s hand and Joey did not like that. He wanted to keep holding hands, and they proceeded to wander around the backyard holding hands. They even included our niece, although she liked to frequently stop and smell the flowers!
Truth be told, it was a very difficult week. But being that it is Friday night and the week is over, this edition of '5 for Friday' will be focused on the light-hearted, sweet spots from the week…
1. My highlight of the week happened today when we were playing outside.
“Joey” is a curious boy and is enjoying testing the limits as most children do at his age. He was walking to a part of the backyard where I would not be able to see him and as I called for him to come back, he just stood there and smirked. “Damien” loves to be a helper and said, “I’ll get Joey!” He ran over to Joey and said, “Come on Joey, hold my hand.” Joey obediently grabbed his hand and Damien led him back to me, at which point I thanked both boys and let them know where they could play. Damien let go of Joey’s hand and Joey did not like that. He wanted to keep holding hands, and they proceeded to wander around the backyard holding hands. They even included our niece, although she liked to frequently stop and smell the flowers!
2. One day this week our 2 boys and our niece all happened to have on pirate themed shirts. (Using the terms “pirate” and “theme” loosely.) Here’s a pic of them enjoying their snack on the “Snack Step” (the step Paul and his siblings ate their snacks as kids):
3. A favorite activity of the boys and our niece is looking out the window and enjoying the view of the backyard. We had rain this week and they took so much delight in seeing everything get “all wet!”
4. Our adorable 3 year old Damien likes learning about baby Jesus and participating in pretend play with our Fisher-Price Nativity set. Here are a couple of pictures of the manger scene according to his brilliant 3-year old imagination:
5. A ‘5 for Friday’ would not be complete without something cute that Paul did this week. Now Paul does not play videogames very often (or as much as he might like), especially during this time of the year. He is usually out working late, but when an opportunity presented itself over the weekend he took advantage of it. When I came to see what he was playing, I noticed our kids' video monitor strategically placed where he could watch them fall asleep while simultaneously playing his game. I thought this was pretty cute because I was in earshot of the boys and he knew he didn’t need to monitor them, but he wanted to. :)
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Placement #4
Within six days of bringing "Joey" home we received 6 placement offers!
Our maximum capacity is 3 children, but currently our preference is 2. We like to have extra space in case any of our past foster children have to go back into The System. We hope they never have to be foster children again, but sometimes it happens. Since one of our core foster parenting principles is for the child to have the least amount of moves possible, having extra space for a child that is already familiar with us and our home helps lessen the trauma.
So the 6 placement offers were:
3 & 4 year old girl siblings
3 year old boy
2 month old girl
1 year old girl
4 month old boy
and a newborn, born hours before the phone call and to be picked up at the hospital!
These children were offered to us at different points throughout the 6 day time period. We were not looking to add another foster child to the family so quickly...we didn't even have Joey for a week yet! We were still getting to know him and getting him adjusted to our home and family, not to mention his habit of vomiting and diarrhea when his environment changes! (See post Placement #3)
Foster parenting one child is time consuming in itself...besides the initial adjustment, there are appointments, parent and social worker visits, shopping trips to get necessities (they usually come with 1-2 items), and logging just about everything important or that may be important into a journal. Life is crazy busy for about a month! Adding another child to that mix is quite an overwhelming juggling act that we were not looking to attempt.
But the need was HUGE. We had the room, and with the holidays quickly approaching we knew we could help another child despite the overwhelming tasks that lay ahead.
Even though we originally said no to all 6 placement offers because less than a week prior we said yes to Joey, the placement workers called back and asked if we could please take one of 3 siblings on a temporary basis. The child was at the local emergency children's shelter for longer than he should be and the shelter was reaching its capacity. We would be more of a Way Station Home (See post What's Next? for an explanation on Way Station) until they could find a long-term foster home for the 3 siblings to live together.
We were actually given a choice of any of the 3 siblings and decided on the oldest because an older child is more independent and we just assumed adding a preschool-age child would be easier than a baby (We were right). :) We also wanted what was best for Joey and adding a baby to the family just didn't seem like it would be the best fit for Joey at this time.
So the next day we went to the local children's shelter for the first time and picked up our 3 year old "Damien" (not his real name) exactly a week after we picked up Joey. The process took about an hour. We had to wait to check-in due to foster teens arriving back from visits and checking back in. Then we spoke with the on-duty nurse and she informed us about Damien and how he was doing at the shelter. She then offered to show us a picture of him before they brought him out. It was the first time we were offered a picture of the child. In foster care, you decide whether to take a child in or not based on information given, never a picture. The first time you see the child is when you pick him up to take him home.
We waited in the lobby with Joey to meet Damien. It was evening time and the building was rather dark. When Damien came into the lobby he was holding the hand of the worker who accompanied him. His other hand clenched a new toy car still in its package. He had on sweat pants that were too small and a sweatshirt that was too big. He had an earring in one ear and his voice was soft-spoken. He was quiet and took all 3 of us in with his dark brown eyes.
We felt immense sympathy for him. He must be so scared going home with strangers. It may have helped that Joey was there with us and he was smiling and babbling. We knelt down on Damien's level and introduced ourselves and tried to assure him with small talk that we were friendly and kind and he could trust us.
The worker held his hand as we led the way to our car and she buckled him in and said her goodbyes. As we drove away from the shelter and towards home, we thought about the changes that 7 days could bring. We went from no kids, and what seemed like tons of free time, to 2 kids, with all of their history and trauma. All 4 of us didn't know what to expect, but we all agreed that cheeseburgers and fries for dinner was a good place to start.
Our maximum capacity is 3 children, but currently our preference is 2. We like to have extra space in case any of our past foster children have to go back into The System. We hope they never have to be foster children again, but sometimes it happens. Since one of our core foster parenting principles is for the child to have the least amount of moves possible, having extra space for a child that is already familiar with us and our home helps lessen the trauma.
So the 6 placement offers were:
3 & 4 year old girl siblings
3 year old boy
2 month old girl
1 year old girl
4 month old boy
and a newborn, born hours before the phone call and to be picked up at the hospital!
These children were offered to us at different points throughout the 6 day time period. We were not looking to add another foster child to the family so quickly...we didn't even have Joey for a week yet! We were still getting to know him and getting him adjusted to our home and family, not to mention his habit of vomiting and diarrhea when his environment changes! (See post Placement #3)
Foster parenting one child is time consuming in itself...besides the initial adjustment, there are appointments, parent and social worker visits, shopping trips to get necessities (they usually come with 1-2 items), and logging just about everything important or that may be important into a journal. Life is crazy busy for about a month! Adding another child to that mix is quite an overwhelming juggling act that we were not looking to attempt.
But the need was HUGE. We had the room, and with the holidays quickly approaching we knew we could help another child despite the overwhelming tasks that lay ahead.
Even though we originally said no to all 6 placement offers because less than a week prior we said yes to Joey, the placement workers called back and asked if we could please take one of 3 siblings on a temporary basis. The child was at the local emergency children's shelter for longer than he should be and the shelter was reaching its capacity. We would be more of a Way Station Home (See post What's Next? for an explanation on Way Station) until they could find a long-term foster home for the 3 siblings to live together.
We were actually given a choice of any of the 3 siblings and decided on the oldest because an older child is more independent and we just assumed adding a preschool-age child would be easier than a baby (We were right). :) We also wanted what was best for Joey and adding a baby to the family just didn't seem like it would be the best fit for Joey at this time.
So the next day we went to the local children's shelter for the first time and picked up our 3 year old "Damien" (not his real name) exactly a week after we picked up Joey. The process took about an hour. We had to wait to check-in due to foster teens arriving back from visits and checking back in. Then we spoke with the on-duty nurse and she informed us about Damien and how he was doing at the shelter. She then offered to show us a picture of him before they brought him out. It was the first time we were offered a picture of the child. In foster care, you decide whether to take a child in or not based on information given, never a picture. The first time you see the child is when you pick him up to take him home.
We waited in the lobby with Joey to meet Damien. It was evening time and the building was rather dark. When Damien came into the lobby he was holding the hand of the worker who accompanied him. His other hand clenched a new toy car still in its package. He had on sweat pants that were too small and a sweatshirt that was too big. He had an earring in one ear and his voice was soft-spoken. He was quiet and took all 3 of us in with his dark brown eyes.
We felt immense sympathy for him. He must be so scared going home with strangers. It may have helped that Joey was there with us and he was smiling and babbling. We knelt down on Damien's level and introduced ourselves and tried to assure him with small talk that we were friendly and kind and he could trust us.
The worker held his hand as we led the way to our car and she buckled him in and said her goodbyes. As we drove away from the shelter and towards home, we thought about the changes that 7 days could bring. We went from no kids, and what seemed like tons of free time, to 2 kids, with all of their history and trauma. All 4 of us didn't know what to expect, but we all agreed that cheeseburgers and fries for dinner was a good place to start.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Placement #3
We were not looking to take any placements after having to say “no” to adopting a precious teenager. (See this post for the full story.) We were still feeling emotional over the loss. But we received a call (a couple of weeks ago) from our favorite placement worker whom we had not spoken to for 2 months (since “Carson” & “Maggie” reunified.) She originally placed us with Maggie and was so supportive and understanding when we experienced difficulties with an upset birth parent, hence the "favorite" title. :)
Anyway, she had a foster mom in the county who needed to take a medical break from fostering and she was desperately trying to re-place the 4 foster children in her care. She asked us to take “Joey” (not his real name), an 18-month old boy who looked a bit tall for his age with dark hair and brown eyes and the most adorable dimples we have ever seen. (Of course, we do not actually see the child until after we agree to foster and meet him/her in person.)
So even though we were still a bit emotional we knew we could meet this need and agreed to take him, but we needed an extra day to prepare for his arrival. We picked Joey up the next evening at his foster home. He is the first placement we have taken that came from a foster home. The first two placements we had were placed with us right after being taken into custody, so our foster home was the first home they experienced since being with their family [as a side note: and the only foster home! ;) ] This meant that Joey had some clothes and even a couple of toys and had already been through a few of the required appointments. This also meant more knowledge about him was known and we could ask lots of questions about him and be better prepared to transition him smoothly.
Let me tell you, these kids are resilient! Joey didn’t cry when we took him from his foster home of approximately 5 months. He came home with us and was shy and quiet. He observed his surroundings and played with the toys. He didn’t really smile for the first two days even though everyone in our family smiled at him at every opportunity. I’m pretty sure by the looks he gave us, he thought we were weird! The only word he said was “NO!” and he said it A LOT! He said it for everything.
The whole evening was going great, without a hitch. Joey never cried, he listened well, he played and did not seem too upset about the transition. Paul and I were impressed. We were ready to have the best first night with a foster child we have had yet!
I was rocking him to sleep and Paul had just walked out of his room to let me finish up bedtime. Joey closed his eyes and looked asleep, then I heard what sounded like he may have mucous build up in his nose…but wait, he wasn’t sick….all of a sudden he began vomiting all over the both of us! I yelled for Paul, which seemed to startle Joey. I quickly realized I needed to keep my cool as to not freak him out.
Paul came in quickly and was shocked at the sight of sooo much vomit. He kept repeating “I don’t know what to do!” Then he ran out and came back with paper towels and placed them gently on top of us being sure not to get vomit on himself. :) It was obvious there were not enough paper towels so he ran back to get more. During the 15 seconds he was gone, somehow Joey had more in his stomach (even though he did not eat much for dinner!) and vomited a second time!
When Paul came back and saw the even bigger mess, he put the useless paper towels on us and said, “I don’t know what to do!” At which point we both just started laughing! It really was the only thing we could do! They don’t teach this kind of stuff in all the classes we had taken!
The whole time Joey just sat there straight-faced, he never cried, not even a peep. When we gathered our composure, we began thinking logically and Paul grabbed some old cloth towels and placed them around us. He gave Joey a bath while I took a shower and threw every soiled item into the washing machine including Joey's number one comfort item: his Blankie. You know, the one his foster mom told us not to wash for a week because it has her home’s familiar smell on it. Yeah, we had to wash the smell out the first night!
Comfort Blankie in the washer also meant we could not put Joey to sleep until it was washed and dried. So we let him play while we watched him for about an hour or so. He seemed to have a “second wind”, (now that his stomach wasn’t weighing him down!) and even began “coming out of his shell”.
When it was finally time for bed we threw some of his clothes in his crib so he would have the familiar smells his newly washed Blankie was missing. He didn’t sleep through the entire night, but neither did Carson or Maggie on their first nights.
The vomit episode perplexed us. We had no idea why it happened…was it because of something he ate? Was he not used to being rocked? Something else entirely?
We called up former foster mom and asked her. She said, “Oh yeah, when Joey’s environment changes he vomits and has diarrhea for 2-3 days.” Hmm…that might have been good information to know when we picked him up! While Joey did have diarrhea for a number of days, so far he only vomited once for us that first night, (we even changed up his environment after a week and added a second foster child to the mix!), and that makes us feel pretty special!
Anyway, she had a foster mom in the county who needed to take a medical break from fostering and she was desperately trying to re-place the 4 foster children in her care. She asked us to take “Joey” (not his real name), an 18-month old boy who looked a bit tall for his age with dark hair and brown eyes and the most adorable dimples we have ever seen. (Of course, we do not actually see the child until after we agree to foster and meet him/her in person.)
So even though we were still a bit emotional we knew we could meet this need and agreed to take him, but we needed an extra day to prepare for his arrival. We picked Joey up the next evening at his foster home. He is the first placement we have taken that came from a foster home. The first two placements we had were placed with us right after being taken into custody, so our foster home was the first home they experienced since being with their family [as a side note: and the only foster home! ;) ] This meant that Joey had some clothes and even a couple of toys and had already been through a few of the required appointments. This also meant more knowledge about him was known and we could ask lots of questions about him and be better prepared to transition him smoothly.
Let me tell you, these kids are resilient! Joey didn’t cry when we took him from his foster home of approximately 5 months. He came home with us and was shy and quiet. He observed his surroundings and played with the toys. He didn’t really smile for the first two days even though everyone in our family smiled at him at every opportunity. I’m pretty sure by the looks he gave us, he thought we were weird! The only word he said was “NO!” and he said it A LOT! He said it for everything.
The whole evening was going great, without a hitch. Joey never cried, he listened well, he played and did not seem too upset about the transition. Paul and I were impressed. We were ready to have the best first night with a foster child we have had yet!
I was rocking him to sleep and Paul had just walked out of his room to let me finish up bedtime. Joey closed his eyes and looked asleep, then I heard what sounded like he may have mucous build up in his nose…but wait, he wasn’t sick….all of a sudden he began vomiting all over the both of us! I yelled for Paul, which seemed to startle Joey. I quickly realized I needed to keep my cool as to not freak him out.
Paul came in quickly and was shocked at the sight of sooo much vomit. He kept repeating “I don’t know what to do!” Then he ran out and came back with paper towels and placed them gently on top of us being sure not to get vomit on himself. :) It was obvious there were not enough paper towels so he ran back to get more. During the 15 seconds he was gone, somehow Joey had more in his stomach (even though he did not eat much for dinner!) and vomited a second time!
When Paul came back and saw the even bigger mess, he put the useless paper towels on us and said, “I don’t know what to do!” At which point we both just started laughing! It really was the only thing we could do! They don’t teach this kind of stuff in all the classes we had taken!
The whole time Joey just sat there straight-faced, he never cried, not even a peep. When we gathered our composure, we began thinking logically and Paul grabbed some old cloth towels and placed them around us. He gave Joey a bath while I took a shower and threw every soiled item into the washing machine including Joey's number one comfort item: his Blankie. You know, the one his foster mom told us not to wash for a week because it has her home’s familiar smell on it. Yeah, we had to wash the smell out the first night!
Comfort Blankie in the washer also meant we could not put Joey to sleep until it was washed and dried. So we let him play while we watched him for about an hour or so. He seemed to have a “second wind”, (now that his stomach wasn’t weighing him down!) and even began “coming out of his shell”.
When it was finally time for bed we threw some of his clothes in his crib so he would have the familiar smells his newly washed Blankie was missing. He didn’t sleep through the entire night, but neither did Carson or Maggie on their first nights.
The vomit episode perplexed us. We had no idea why it happened…was it because of something he ate? Was he not used to being rocked? Something else entirely?
We called up former foster mom and asked her. She said, “Oh yeah, when Joey’s environment changes he vomits and has diarrhea for 2-3 days.” Hmm…that might have been good information to know when we picked him up! While Joey did have diarrhea for a number of days, so far he only vomited once for us that first night, (we even changed up his environment after a week and added a second foster child to the mix!), and that makes us feel pretty special!
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Our Almost Adoption Journey
Recently, we were as close as you can get to adopting; the ball was in our court, we just needed to say, “Yes.”
It all started about 4 years ago when I saw a weekly segment on our local news station present a child who is legally-free to adopt in our county. These kids are usually hard to place for any number of reasons and so airing them on television gives them a better chance at getting adopted.
Well, this child that captured my heart was a precious (elementary age) boy. I can’t really explain what it was about him that drew me to him. Maybe it was his shyness, maybe it was the fact he wanted a Mom and a Dad, maybe it was God planting a seed in my heart. Of course, we were recently married and it was not a good time to adopt since we still had a lot to learn about married life.
Fast forward to last year…we were on the cusp of our foster care license and this precious boy was featured a 2nd time! This time he was outgoing and funny and full of joy. He had entered his teenage years and was thriving in a stable and loving foster home, but his foster parents were not in a place where they could adopt him. By the time we were officially licensed I looked him up on the county’s heart gallery (a website specifically made to introduce families to kids available for adoption) and on his picture it said he was potentially matched. I was happy for him and hoped it would be a permanent solution for him. We then moved forward with foster care and welcomed “Carson” into our family.
Fast forward one more time to a few weeks before Carson and “Maggie” would be reunifying. The precious teen was featured a 3rd time! This time it was an urgent need to find a forever family because his foster parents were still not in a place where they could adopt him and he needed to move on to a family that could. For a week he was on my mind and after talking to Paul we decided to just inquire. We called his social worker and she had just presented a family to this young man the day before.
Alright, he is going to have his forever family, great! That is perfect timing because with Carson and Maggie reunifying we really were in no place emotionally to open our hearts to another child without first, taking time to grieve the losses.
A few weeks after healing from our grief we attended a foster-to-adopt conference at a church a couple hours away. At the conference we ran into the young man’s social worker! She recognized our names and said she was just talking about us the other day because she decided the family was not going to work out for him and our names came up.
We find out later in the week that since our adoptions worker had retired in the last year (unbeknownst to us) we needed to be assigned a new adoptions worker to move forward with adoption of him or anyone else. Thankfully, we requested an adoptions worker in August when we knew our kids would be reunifying and we finally had one assigned to us in October. It was worth the wait because our new adoptions worker is amazing. We like her A LOT!
We noticed that with “The System” there is a lot of waiting and then suddenly you get a call and things move rather quickly. We received a call that some time-sensitive things were happening and families were being evaluated for the best match for the precious young man we saw on television. We waited again and then we got a call and we were chosen as the best match!
His social worker and our adoptions worker came to our home for what is called “The Telling” where they share everything they know about the child. It was almost 4 hours long and there was so much information our heads actually ached. We were given 3 full days to make a decision to adopt him or not. They gave us phone numbers to call and his thick file to keep during the decision-making process. Usually there is a lot more time given, but unfortunately this was one of those cases where things needed to move forward and quickly.
If we said Yes, we would give his worker an album we needed to create called The Family Book. This album introduces the child to our home and our family through various photos. The following day we would meet the child on his turf, at his foster home with his foster family and his worker and our adoptions worker. It was to be an hour long introduction. After meeting the child, we would need to visit him everyday until he was placed in our home. In this case, he would be moved in within 3-4 days of meeting him.
It was an incredibly long and difficult 3 days for us. We really wanted to adopt him. We re-read his file, we made phone calls, interviewed his foster mom, prayed and sought out wise counsel. He passed all our “deal-breakers” and we agreed with his social worker that he was the best match for us. But we kept coming back to the fact that our current living situation was not the best environment for him to thrive.
It was an emotional weekend. I cried over this situation more than I cried over my two foster babies leaving. It didn’t matter that he was almost half our age, that our only real parenting experience was our two foster kids for about a year, that he was in The System for a decade, or that he had more than a dozen placements. One of the reasons his worker chose us is because we are inexperienced and we are not rigid and founded in rules, but are calm and flexible and willing to try new things, which is what these kids need. We had a great number of resources to help us along on our parenting journey and we were teachable and ready. Still, we know what we were considering was crazy by a lot of standards, but not God’s standards of loving kids (no matter the age) who are rejected by the rest of society.
We realize that some who hear that we were on the brink of adopting a teenager from The System would think we wised up and “dodged a bullet”. But that bullet is a person’s soul who God created and loves unconditionally. That bullet was going to be our son. That bullet would have been totally worth taking right in the heart.
We did have to say no, to do what was best for that precious teenager even though that sounds counter-intuitive. Instead of the phone call the workers requested, we both took the morning off and we walked into their office to tell them in person that sadly we could not be this boy’s forever family at this time. It was the right closure for this brief and hurried journey. We couldn’t have asked for a better conversation with the two workers who showed us tremendous understanding and grace.
We have grown a lot as a couple through this experience and are thankful for this in the midst of very deep sadness. As we grieve another loss this year, we are grateful that God is always good, gracious, and sovereign.
It all started about 4 years ago when I saw a weekly segment on our local news station present a child who is legally-free to adopt in our county. These kids are usually hard to place for any number of reasons and so airing them on television gives them a better chance at getting adopted.
Well, this child that captured my heart was a precious (elementary age) boy. I can’t really explain what it was about him that drew me to him. Maybe it was his shyness, maybe it was the fact he wanted a Mom and a Dad, maybe it was God planting a seed in my heart. Of course, we were recently married and it was not a good time to adopt since we still had a lot to learn about married life.
Fast forward to last year…we were on the cusp of our foster care license and this precious boy was featured a 2nd time! This time he was outgoing and funny and full of joy. He had entered his teenage years and was thriving in a stable and loving foster home, but his foster parents were not in a place where they could adopt him. By the time we were officially licensed I looked him up on the county’s heart gallery (a website specifically made to introduce families to kids available for adoption) and on his picture it said he was potentially matched. I was happy for him and hoped it would be a permanent solution for him. We then moved forward with foster care and welcomed “Carson” into our family.
Fast forward one more time to a few weeks before Carson and “Maggie” would be reunifying. The precious teen was featured a 3rd time! This time it was an urgent need to find a forever family because his foster parents were still not in a place where they could adopt him and he needed to move on to a family that could. For a week he was on my mind and after talking to Paul we decided to just inquire. We called his social worker and she had just presented a family to this young man the day before.
Alright, he is going to have his forever family, great! That is perfect timing because with Carson and Maggie reunifying we really were in no place emotionally to open our hearts to another child without first, taking time to grieve the losses.
A few weeks after healing from our grief we attended a foster-to-adopt conference at a church a couple hours away. At the conference we ran into the young man’s social worker! She recognized our names and said she was just talking about us the other day because she decided the family was not going to work out for him and our names came up.
We find out later in the week that since our adoptions worker had retired in the last year (unbeknownst to us) we needed to be assigned a new adoptions worker to move forward with adoption of him or anyone else. Thankfully, we requested an adoptions worker in August when we knew our kids would be reunifying and we finally had one assigned to us in October. It was worth the wait because our new adoptions worker is amazing. We like her A LOT!
We noticed that with “The System” there is a lot of waiting and then suddenly you get a call and things move rather quickly. We received a call that some time-sensitive things were happening and families were being evaluated for the best match for the precious young man we saw on television. We waited again and then we got a call and we were chosen as the best match!
His social worker and our adoptions worker came to our home for what is called “The Telling” where they share everything they know about the child. It was almost 4 hours long and there was so much information our heads actually ached. We were given 3 full days to make a decision to adopt him or not. They gave us phone numbers to call and his thick file to keep during the decision-making process. Usually there is a lot more time given, but unfortunately this was one of those cases where things needed to move forward and quickly.
If we said Yes, we would give his worker an album we needed to create called The Family Book. This album introduces the child to our home and our family through various photos. The following day we would meet the child on his turf, at his foster home with his foster family and his worker and our adoptions worker. It was to be an hour long introduction. After meeting the child, we would need to visit him everyday until he was placed in our home. In this case, he would be moved in within 3-4 days of meeting him.
It was an incredibly long and difficult 3 days for us. We really wanted to adopt him. We re-read his file, we made phone calls, interviewed his foster mom, prayed and sought out wise counsel. He passed all our “deal-breakers” and we agreed with his social worker that he was the best match for us. But we kept coming back to the fact that our current living situation was not the best environment for him to thrive.
It was an emotional weekend. I cried over this situation more than I cried over my two foster babies leaving. It didn’t matter that he was almost half our age, that our only real parenting experience was our two foster kids for about a year, that he was in The System for a decade, or that he had more than a dozen placements. One of the reasons his worker chose us is because we are inexperienced and we are not rigid and founded in rules, but are calm and flexible and willing to try new things, which is what these kids need. We had a great number of resources to help us along on our parenting journey and we were teachable and ready. Still, we know what we were considering was crazy by a lot of standards, but not God’s standards of loving kids (no matter the age) who are rejected by the rest of society.
We realize that some who hear that we were on the brink of adopting a teenager from The System would think we wised up and “dodged a bullet”. But that bullet is a person’s soul who God created and loves unconditionally. That bullet was going to be our son. That bullet would have been totally worth taking right in the heart.
We did have to say no, to do what was best for that precious teenager even though that sounds counter-intuitive. Instead of the phone call the workers requested, we both took the morning off and we walked into their office to tell them in person that sadly we could not be this boy’s forever family at this time. It was the right closure for this brief and hurried journey. We couldn’t have asked for a better conversation with the two workers who showed us tremendous understanding and grace.
We have grown a lot as a couple through this experience and are thankful for this in the midst of very deep sadness. As we grieve another loss this year, we are grateful that God is always good, gracious, and sovereign.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Guest Post: A Foster Grandma’s Perspective
We are so excited to share our very first Guest Post!
A support system is crucial in foster parenting and we are so blessed to have such amazing family backing us in this crazy journey! We are always interested in others’ perspectives and thought it would be fun and interesting to share them with our readers.
Mom/Grandma has been our #1 cheerleader in the good times, not-so good times and everything in-between. From being one of the first to meet the new family member, to providing for his/her needs, to offering a listening ear or encouragement to the worn foster parent, she is a jewel to have in our lives. It was difficult to find pictures of Grandma and “Carson” where he wasn’t "facing" the camera, so I had to use some photo-editing to make them postable. He loves being with Grandma and doesn’t mind the camera when she is by his side. You can be sure his expression is either smiling or a look of contentment. Thanks, Mom for sharing your heart and thanks for being you! We love you!
One year ago (almost to this day), a chubby one year old baby boy who was just learning to walk suddenly came into our family’s lives. He came to our family from his family who was in crisis. I remember getting the call from our kids saying, “Mom – we are picking up a 12 month old baby boy in about 30 minutes and we don’t have anything for him!” So off this Grandma went to Walmart to buy a few things: diapers, formula, bottles, t-shirts, pjs, shirts, pants and socks and shoes! Somehow it wasn’t hard to spend money on a child we knew nothing about other than the fact that he needed a safe spot to land and some extra love and attention for a few days.
Being a pediatric nurse (for over 30 years) I love kids – especially babies and toddlers. I have also seen many children and families in difficult crisis situations. So, being the professional that I am, I thought that I could weather the foster grand parenting storm without getting too wet! I thought that my “professional boundaries” would carry over into this situation and I would be able to protect my heart. But that was not to be. This little boy with his boundless energy and unsteady gait worked his way right into my heart. He quickly became one of the grandchildren – as this grandma was totally hooked on him!
We originally thought that “Carson” would only be with our family for a few days, but the days stretched into weeks. Christmas was coming and we were pretty sure he would be sent to a relative’s home, so we all gave him his presents early. Then Christmas came and he was still with us….so we gave him more presents! The weeks then became months. Eleven months to be exact – almost half of his little life!
We weathered some illnesses together (like the call in the middle of the night to nurse grandma for a very croupy little boy who needed a trip to the ER and a breathing treatment), and then we all shared our colds back and forth last winter.
We did all the fun things that grandmas and grandkids do together. We babysat, we read books, we cuddled, we sang songs, we went on walks to the mall. I will never forget hearing him sing the words “Holy, Holy, Holy …God mighty” as the sound came through the baby monitor while he was in his crib one day. This was his favorite song he learned at the children’s program at BSF.
The next thing we knew – there was another call for a family in crisis and we added a beautiful little 5 month old baby girl to the family mix. She reminded me of a little baby doll! So once again, this Grandma was off on a shopping trip – this time for pink outfits!!
When Grandma and Grandpa moved to Asia in June, it was so hard to say goodbye to all of the grandchildren. But it was particularly hard to say good bye to our foster grandchildren as we didn’t know if we would ever see them again. Grandparenting from a distance is a challenge and we are very thankful for technology which makes it a little more fun – but we miss the cuddle times for sure!
A few weeks ago we received the news that our two foster grandbabies were being reunited with their families. What a bittersweet time this has been for this Grandma’s heart. I will confess, I have cried quite a few tears. I think that a Grandma’s grief is doubly hard….we grieve for our own children (the foster parents) and feel their pain, we also grieve for the grandchildren and the disruption to their little worlds, and then we have our own pain over the loss as well. In my heart I am truly happy that the families are reunited but I won’t lie - I am sad for our family. I miss seeing their little faces over the computer as we Skype. These little ones will forever have a place in our hearts.
You may ask, “When it is so painful to say goodbye, are you going to open yourself up and risk the hurt again when the next foster grandkids come on the scene?” My answer is, “Absolutely!” It is so worth the investment to be able to play one small part in God’s story for the lives of these children. Life is risky and we would miss out on so much that God has to offer and teach us if we closed our hearts to these little children.
And so I say to my own children – Paul and Monique – thank you for allowing us the joy to travel on this foster parenting journey with you. Thank you for opening your home and our family to the joys and the sorrows of this journey. We are proud to be the grandparents of as many foster children as God brings into your home! And yes, we will take on the risk of pain and grief with you, because the love and joy we have the opportunity to give and receive is so worth it!
A support system is crucial in foster parenting and we are so blessed to have such amazing family backing us in this crazy journey! We are always interested in others’ perspectives and thought it would be fun and interesting to share them with our readers.
Mom/Grandma has been our #1 cheerleader in the good times, not-so good times and everything in-between. From being one of the first to meet the new family member, to providing for his/her needs, to offering a listening ear or encouragement to the worn foster parent, she is a jewel to have in our lives. It was difficult to find pictures of Grandma and “Carson” where he wasn’t "facing" the camera, so I had to use some photo-editing to make them postable. He loves being with Grandma and doesn’t mind the camera when she is by his side. You can be sure his expression is either smiling or a look of contentment. Thanks, Mom for sharing your heart and thanks for being you! We love you!
A Foster Grandma’s Perspective
One year ago (almost to this day), a chubby one year old baby boy who was just learning to walk suddenly came into our family’s lives. He came to our family from his family who was in crisis. I remember getting the call from our kids saying, “Mom – we are picking up a 12 month old baby boy in about 30 minutes and we don’t have anything for him!” So off this Grandma went to Walmart to buy a few things: diapers, formula, bottles, t-shirts, pjs, shirts, pants and socks and shoes! Somehow it wasn’t hard to spend money on a child we knew nothing about other than the fact that he needed a safe spot to land and some extra love and attention for a few days.
Being a pediatric nurse (for over 30 years) I love kids – especially babies and toddlers. I have also seen many children and families in difficult crisis situations. So, being the professional that I am, I thought that I could weather the foster grand parenting storm without getting too wet! I thought that my “professional boundaries” would carry over into this situation and I would be able to protect my heart. But that was not to be. This little boy with his boundless energy and unsteady gait worked his way right into my heart. He quickly became one of the grandchildren – as this grandma was totally hooked on him!
We originally thought that “Carson” would only be with our family for a few days, but the days stretched into weeks. Christmas was coming and we were pretty sure he would be sent to a relative’s home, so we all gave him his presents early. Then Christmas came and he was still with us….so we gave him more presents! The weeks then became months. Eleven months to be exact – almost half of his little life!
We weathered some illnesses together (like the call in the middle of the night to nurse grandma for a very croupy little boy who needed a trip to the ER and a breathing treatment), and then we all shared our colds back and forth last winter.
We did all the fun things that grandmas and grandkids do together. We babysat, we read books, we cuddled, we sang songs, we went on walks to the mall. I will never forget hearing him sing the words “Holy, Holy, Holy …God mighty” as the sound came through the baby monitor while he was in his crib one day. This was his favorite song he learned at the children’s program at BSF.
The next thing we knew – there was another call for a family in crisis and we added a beautiful little 5 month old baby girl to the family mix. She reminded me of a little baby doll! So once again, this Grandma was off on a shopping trip – this time for pink outfits!!
When Grandma and Grandpa moved to Asia in June, it was so hard to say goodbye to all of the grandchildren. But it was particularly hard to say good bye to our foster grandchildren as we didn’t know if we would ever see them again. Grandparenting from a distance is a challenge and we are very thankful for technology which makes it a little more fun – but we miss the cuddle times for sure!
A few weeks ago we received the news that our two foster grandbabies were being reunited with their families. What a bittersweet time this has been for this Grandma’s heart. I will confess, I have cried quite a few tears. I think that a Grandma’s grief is doubly hard….we grieve for our own children (the foster parents) and feel their pain, we also grieve for the grandchildren and the disruption to their little worlds, and then we have our own pain over the loss as well. In my heart I am truly happy that the families are reunited but I won’t lie - I am sad for our family. I miss seeing their little faces over the computer as we Skype. These little ones will forever have a place in our hearts.
You may ask, “When it is so painful to say goodbye, are you going to open yourself up and risk the hurt again when the next foster grandkids come on the scene?” My answer is, “Absolutely!” It is so worth the investment to be able to play one small part in God’s story for the lives of these children. Life is risky and we would miss out on so much that God has to offer and teach us if we closed our hearts to these little children.
And so I say to my own children – Paul and Monique – thank you for allowing us the joy to travel on this foster parenting journey with you. Thank you for opening your home and our family to the joys and the sorrows of this journey. We are proud to be the grandparents of as many foster children as God brings into your home! And yes, we will take on the risk of pain and grief with you, because the love and joy we have the opportunity to give and receive is so worth it!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
What’s Next?
We are back from a two week blog break…of course, we are not too awesome at updating our blog regularly; but we allowed ourselves to not feel the pressure of needing to post something, especially since we do not currently have kids to post about! :)
It has been about a month since our kids reunified with their parents. We’ve seen “Maggie” once and “Carson” once. (We hope to share our visits in an upcoming post!) In that month we have taken the time and put in the effort to grieve well, for our well-being and for the well-being of the next foster child we will welcome into our home!
We have been discussing the next chapter in our foster parenting journey, and we have narrowed it down to these options:
Option: Foster Care
We currently have a post-it on our file with the county that says we are taking a one-month break and are not taking any placements at this time. All we need to do is call and have that post-it taken off and we will most likely get a call in less than a week (from our past experience with both kids) for a new placement. This is the option we have experience with, the placement can be anywhere from a couple months to years! (Maggie’s placement was 3 months, Carson’s placement was 11 months)
Option: Way Station
We can sign up to be a Way Station foster family. This means we would be available on an “on-call” basis to receive children immediately following a removal, helping the child avoid placement at the local children’s center. We would be considered an emergency placement for a maximum of 30 days, with a goal of 10 days to find a relative, non-related extended family member or a long-term foster home. This is a relatively new program development where the family would be strictly Way Station only. While we were in the regular foster care option, both Carson and Maggie were emergency placements that we were happy to keep for more than a few weeks.
Option: Adoption
We talk with our Adoption Worker and fill-out a detailed form that shares with the worker what health, behavioral, developmental, and background issues we are open to having in a child. We then wait to be “matched” with a child whose history closely matches our requests and would possibly work well with our family dynamics as displayed in our Home Study Report (a written report of our lives as taken through interviews during our licensing process). This option can take a long time depending on how open we are to the issues presented. The child can be legally free for adoption already, or we can go with what is called Concurrent Care and take the risk of being placed with a child that does not yet have their parental rights terminated, but looks like that would happen in the future.
Option: Foster-to-Adopt
We welcome a child who is in foster care but appears to be on the likely path to have his or her parental rights terminated due to the parents not making wise decisions in the reunification process.The termination of parental rights will then allow the child to be available for adoption. But we are not “matched” with this child, it will be a child who needs a foster home and we will learn of their health, behavioral, developmental, and background issues as we get to know them in our home. Of course, there is risk to this option just as in Concurrent Care adoption because the parents can make good decisions and be able to reunify.
4 options, all have their pros and cons.
As we have been discussing these options we have had to re-evaluate the principles that we want to guide us in our work with “the system.” One of these principles is that we want to minimize the number of placements these kids will have. Every move that these kids make is one more instance of trauma and loss, and we want to spare these kids from that.
We are thrilled that we were the only placement that Carson and Maggie had. They were not bounced around to multiple families or children’s centers, but they were with us until they were able to reunify. We think this is a big reason why they continued to grow and thrive during their time away from their biological parents.
However, the difficulty with wanting to be the only placement these kids ever have is that most kids who enter the foster system end up reunifying with their families. So, if we really want to adopt a child the most efficient thing to do would be to find a child who has been in the system long enough for it to become clear that reunification is no longer likely. Minimizing the number of moves a child makes is important, but it’s not the most important thing we can do. You could argue that the kids who have been bounced around to multiple placements need a safe and loving family the most.
So, what’s next?
Well, we are still talking through these issues (and working through some delays with the county), but we hope to have kids in our home soon.
It has been about a month since our kids reunified with their parents. We’ve seen “Maggie” once and “Carson” once. (We hope to share our visits in an upcoming post!) In that month we have taken the time and put in the effort to grieve well, for our well-being and for the well-being of the next foster child we will welcome into our home!
We have been discussing the next chapter in our foster parenting journey, and we have narrowed it down to these options:
Option: Foster Care
We currently have a post-it on our file with the county that says we are taking a one-month break and are not taking any placements at this time. All we need to do is call and have that post-it taken off and we will most likely get a call in less than a week (from our past experience with both kids) for a new placement. This is the option we have experience with, the placement can be anywhere from a couple months to years! (Maggie’s placement was 3 months, Carson’s placement was 11 months)
Option: Way Station
We can sign up to be a Way Station foster family. This means we would be available on an “on-call” basis to receive children immediately following a removal, helping the child avoid placement at the local children’s center. We would be considered an emergency placement for a maximum of 30 days, with a goal of 10 days to find a relative, non-related extended family member or a long-term foster home. This is a relatively new program development where the family would be strictly Way Station only. While we were in the regular foster care option, both Carson and Maggie were emergency placements that we were happy to keep for more than a few weeks.
Option: Adoption
We talk with our Adoption Worker and fill-out a detailed form that shares with the worker what health, behavioral, developmental, and background issues we are open to having in a child. We then wait to be “matched” with a child whose history closely matches our requests and would possibly work well with our family dynamics as displayed in our Home Study Report (a written report of our lives as taken through interviews during our licensing process). This option can take a long time depending on how open we are to the issues presented. The child can be legally free for adoption already, or we can go with what is called Concurrent Care and take the risk of being placed with a child that does not yet have their parental rights terminated, but looks like that would happen in the future.
Option: Foster-to-Adopt
We welcome a child who is in foster care but appears to be on the likely path to have his or her parental rights terminated due to the parents not making wise decisions in the reunification process.The termination of parental rights will then allow the child to be available for adoption. But we are not “matched” with this child, it will be a child who needs a foster home and we will learn of their health, behavioral, developmental, and background issues as we get to know them in our home. Of course, there is risk to this option just as in Concurrent Care adoption because the parents can make good decisions and be able to reunify.
4 options, all have their pros and cons.
As we have been discussing these options we have had to re-evaluate the principles that we want to guide us in our work with “the system.” One of these principles is that we want to minimize the number of placements these kids will have. Every move that these kids make is one more instance of trauma and loss, and we want to spare these kids from that.
We are thrilled that we were the only placement that Carson and Maggie had. They were not bounced around to multiple families or children’s centers, but they were with us until they were able to reunify. We think this is a big reason why they continued to grow and thrive during their time away from their biological parents.
However, the difficulty with wanting to be the only placement these kids ever have is that most kids who enter the foster system end up reunifying with their families. So, if we really want to adopt a child the most efficient thing to do would be to find a child who has been in the system long enough for it to become clear that reunification is no longer likely. Minimizing the number of moves a child makes is important, but it’s not the most important thing we can do. You could argue that the kids who have been bounced around to multiple placements need a safe and loving family the most.
So, what’s next?
Well, we are still talking through these issues (and working through some delays with the county), but we hope to have kids in our home soon.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Best Gift for a (Foster) Mom
Paul is so sweet.
He gave me a gift that would help me remember “Carson” and “Maggie”. (Remember how I mentioned in a ‘5 for Friday’ post that he does cute things everyday?)
It is a gift that keeps on giving because every time I take a moment to look at this beautiful bracelet, I remember my precious children and say a prayer for them.
One of my favorite things about this gift is that it has plenty of room to add more initials. :)
He gave me a gift that would help me remember “Carson” and “Maggie”. (Remember how I mentioned in a ‘5 for Friday’ post that he does cute things everyday?)
It is a gift that keeps on giving because every time I take a moment to look at this beautiful bracelet, I remember my precious children and say a prayer for them.
One of my favorite things about this gift is that it has plenty of room to add more initials. :)
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Grieving, Part 3
[This is the 3rd & final installment of our Grieving Series, for this season in our lives.]
I am here to say, it is true! He will provide everything we need in just the right time!
This process of grieving was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Of course, there was plenty of sadness and times when tears could begin flowing at any moment due to any thousands of triggers. There were nights when I slept with my Bible because it was the only tangible thing of God that I have, and I wanted Him close for comfort. But I also sensed the prayers of those who love us and support us, so the pain was never unbearable or overwhelming. In fact, I always had a sense of peace, you know, the kind that surpasses all understanding. Peace that He is in control and knows exactly what He is doing, even in the midst of pain and sadness.
"...But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves
but on God,
who raises the dead.
He HAS delivered us... we have set our hope on him
that he WILL CONTINUE to deliver us,
as you help us by your prayers.
Then many will give thanks to God
for the gracious favor granted to us,
in answer to your many prayers.”
2 Corinthians 1:9-11
Each year we find that there is a theme for our year that we can sum up in one word. This year we see the word "grieving", or maybe it's "trusting". We have experienced tragedy and disappointment in a few ways already this year, and the pain seems to have culminated with "Carson" and "Maggie" leaving our home (at least, we hope this is the culmination and there is not more to come in the next few months).
From the very beginning we have tried our best to grieve well. To experience all the emotions that come with tragedy and to grow from the experience. And we found that with each painful and sad circumstance what we learned became a stepping stone to help us cope with the next one. It's not that grieving became easier, but maybe more familiar. As we mentioned in 'Grieving, Part 2', we were not created for grief, but it is an inescapable part of life in a fallen world.
So here we are, it's been a couple of weeks since we have been parents to children in our home. Not many people get to re-experience life before kids once they have kids, but we do. It is nice that we have the freedom to just go to Starbucks and write blog posts or read for pleasure; but there is definitely something missing because while we did not physically create and give birth to these children, we are parents. I may not have the stretch marks of labor on my stomach, but I am a mother.
I have labored for my kids and been stretched in ways that will never go away, even if I never have another foster or biological child to care for. We will forever think, feel, and pray differently because of Carson and Maggie. And pray is one of the few things, yet also the most powerful thing, we can do for these kids now that they have reunified with their birth families.
"So we don't focus on the troubles we see right now;
instead we look forward to what we don't see yet.
For the troubles we see now are temporary,
but the joys to come will last forever."
2 Corinthians 4:18
While we may be suffering through the grief of not having our children anymore, we look forward to being a support system for always, praying that they may know Jesus and share our hope in the joys to come that will last forever.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Grieving, Part 2
Both "Carson" and "Maggie" reunified with their parents in the past two weeks. This was not a surprise, in fact you could say that we have been expecting it since before we even met them. But the feelings of grief and loss are real, and we are still in the midst of recovering from them. Here's a few things that we have been talking about during the past week.
The world is broken, so grief and loss are always going to be a part of our lives. God did not originally create us to suffer the pain of losing relationships that we care about, but sin has made this a common occurrence. I usually try to live in a way that manages grief the best I can, hoping that I will be able to minimize the pain that comes with it. Yet this is neither possible nor what we think God wants us to do.
We are experiencing what most people fear when it comes to foster parenting, the loss of children we have loved like our own. I have seen that this is the most common reason people give for why they could never be foster parents.
So why did we do it?
I would say it's not because the pain we feel is less than what others may feel. We did this because we believe that the pain we feel is worth the love and security we were able to give these kids. If pain will always be a part of life, then we want to make our pain count for something, and we think kids in the foster system count a lot.
We have also realized that the pain we feel right now really isn't that unique to foster parenting. All parents must deal with the loss that comes with being a parent. Carson and Maggie have left our home and no longer rely on us for survival, nurturing, or guidance. We cannot control their environment or the decisions that they make. I think this could also be a pretty good description of how parents feel when their children go away to college, or even just become teenagers. There are obviously some major differences in this comparison, but we've found it helpful to spend some time looking at our situation from this perspective.
While we feel the lives of our foster children are "riskier" than the lives of our biological children would be, this really isn't true. I had someone tell me that he spent a lot more time praying for Carson than he did for the other children he knew because he felt like Carson needed the extra prayer since he did not have nice Christian parents and a nice Christian family. I find this true in my life too. I worry a lot more about Carson and Maggie now that they are not with us.
The irony, and what this person pointed out, was that we are all completely dependent on the sovereignty and grace of God. I need just as much grace and prayer as Carson does. My nieces and nephews and their wonderful Christian families need to experience God's grace just as much as my foster children and their biological families. There are certainly physical and emotional factors at play with our foster children that are unique and more dangerous, but when it comes to their basic need to know that God loves them and is showering His grace on them, we are all the same.
The above thought gives us a good perspective about our foster kids, and ourselves, but it doesn't really make me worry any less about Carson and Maggie. As I try and deal with the feelings of fear and anxiety about the future of our foster kids, I've been looking for some truths to hold on to.
When I worry about these kids and what their lives will look like in the future, when I worry that they may just continue their family's cycle of brokenness and end up with messed up lives and their own children in the foster system twenty years from now, what can I count on? I'm not looking for a hope that I wish could happen, but a hope that I can count on happening no matter what (I suppose that this is another similarity between our position and the position of any biological parent concerned about his adult children).
I believe that God has created Carson and Maggie, that He loves them, and that He has a plan for them. However, I also must believe the same things about their parents, the ones who have the issues and problems that broke their families. I desperately want Carson and Maggie to break this cycle in their families, but I have no guarantees, and statistically speaking, this may even be unlikely.
So what can I really be confident about?
As I'm still struggling through this, I have come to think that what I can always be sure of is that Carson and Maggie are always one moment away from a life-changing experience of God's grace.
I heard this in the lyrics of a song, "Every breath is a second chance." Like every parent, foster, biological, or adoptive, I have no guarantees about my child's relationship with God, but I do know that God will always be working in them, His grace will always be surrounding them, and they are always one moment away from experiencing that grace in a way that will change their lives.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Sad Monkey, Happy Flower
At nap time, "Carson" was reading books in his bed. As I wandered around the house picking up toys and doing various other chores, I hear his voice,
"Moqueek!" "Moqueek!"
I walked in his room, "Yes Carson? What do you need?"
He points to Curious George's face, "Sad! Sad!", he says.
"Yeah, you're right, he is sad Carson. He is so sad."
"So sad," he repeats.
Then he points to the yellow flower and says, "Flaow-wer".
"Yeah, that's a flower, a yellow flower."
"Flaow-wer!" he exclaims happily.
Maybe this sweet almost 2 year old has a point...
In the midst of our sadness there is beauty all around us. And if we take the time to notice it, we can be happy in the midst of the sad.
Carson definitely knows something is up. He may not be able to express it in words just yet, but he is observant and knows his room is looking a little different and toys that were once in his room at our home are now in his parent's home. He knows when we say good-bye after our 2 day visit that we are saying good-bye for a lot longer than a couple of hours. Sometimes he is so sad he cries and refuses to say good-bye. But then he sees his parents and he is happy.
While this part of the experience is so sad, we do realize that there is beauty and joy in it as well.
God is choosing to use us as He redeems families. If there is one thing we have learned about God in our own personal lives, it's that He is in the business of Redemption. He takes broken things, things that we've really messed up because of our selfish choices, and heals them with love and grace. I think that maybe it's because we've experienced this in our own lives that we are drawn to foster parenting. We want to be used to extend God's grace not only to kids, but also their families. It's usually not the kids who have made selfish choices, but they are often paying the price for the choices of their parents. Sometimes redemption looks like finding a new adoptive family for a child, other times it is the healing of a biological family. For us, this is the ultimate goal of foster parenting: that children will experience a redeemed family, and will be transformed by the love and grace that makes redemption possible.
We have no regrets. We tried to love these children like they were our own. We gave them the best family experience we could. And we had so many family and friends who did the same for them.
While the word "redemption" is not part of Carson's vocabulary yet, I like to think that moments where he can recognize the beauty of a flower in the midst of sadness tells me that he understands what it is.
While the word "redemption" is not part of Carson's vocabulary yet, I like to think that moments where he can recognize the beauty of a flower in the midst of sadness tells me that he understands what it is.
Update!
In our last update we shared that we found out "Carson" would be reunifying a lot sooner than expected.
Well, not only is he reunifying in a week, but so is our beloved little "Maggie."
Same week, two days apart.
While these dates can change since everything is fluid with the foster care system, it looks like we will go from parents of 2 to parents of 0 in just a few days. Carson's and Maggie's reunification is not a surprise, but that does not really change the loss we will feel when we drop them off for the last time.
Well, not only is he reunifying in a week, but so is our beloved little "Maggie."
Same week, two days apart.
While these dates can change since everything is fluid with the foster care system, it looks like we will go from parents of 2 to parents of 0 in just a few days. Carson's and Maggie's reunification is not a surprise, but that does not really change the loss we will feel when we drop them off for the last time.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Grieving, Part 1
“Carson” is on his 3rd social worker since entering the system in October. His current social worker is our favorite. We know most social workers care for the well-being of these precious kids but she goes above and beyond to make sure that reunification with Mom and Dad will be permanent and transitions are as smooth as possible. We thought that this process of reunification would take place early next year, but the system is bigger than even Carson’s worker, and it has been decided to complete reunification in the next couple months.
So we went from Carson having 1 overnight, to 2 overnights, to 5 overnights per week with his parents in a matter of just 3 weeks.
This means we currently see Carson for 48 hours per week and we have begun (what we perceive to be) the long-road of grieving the loss of a child.
Before his first 5-night visit I packed up most of Carson’s clothes since he would now be living with Mom and Dad the majority of the time. This was the first thing that made this loss real. I held back tears as we packed the car and gave hugs to the family and buckled Carson into his car seat. We live just a few minutes away from his parents home and I knew I didn’t want to have “the crying face” when we got there. You know, the red watery eyes and pink runny nose look. So I kept thinking of happy things that had nothing to do with Carson.
Of course, Carson was happy to see his Mom and it really does help to see his joy and her joy to be together again.
The first 5-days without Carson were difficult, but it was actually pretty easy to distract myself or stuff away any thoughts or feelings of missing him. At one point, I realized this isn’t the healthiest way to grieve, so I made the choice to put forth the effort to allow myself to feel the sadness and ache and grow from it instead of acting like it isn’t there.
Maybe the most difficult experience I had was when I went to go pick up “Maggie” from her family visit. I was stopped at a light and there he was getting off the bus with his Mom. He was living everyday life without us and as I watched his mom pulling him along the lyrics on the radio sang, “Hold on now don't you blink or it's gone” and the ache overwhelmed me and tears began to well up and I tried not to blink.
As we approach this road of grief, Paul and I talk a lot about it. We share our feelings and thoughts everyday. And I think having Maggie with us helps with our perspective too. Carson isn’t our sole concern and she reminds us with her beautiful smile and adorable coos that life is bigger than our problems and grief. She reminds us that there are many other kids out there who still need help and even in our sadness we can still attach to them and love them and help them too.
That song I was listening to had lyrics that also sang:
I have been learning so many new things in life as a foster parent, I can now almost relate to people who say they could never do foster care because they would get attached and wouldn’t be able to give the child back. Except that I would totally do foster care to know a kid like Carson.
So we went from Carson having 1 overnight, to 2 overnights, to 5 overnights per week with his parents in a matter of just 3 weeks.
This means we currently see Carson for 48 hours per week and we have begun (what we perceive to be) the long-road of grieving the loss of a child.
Before his first 5-night visit I packed up most of Carson’s clothes since he would now be living with Mom and Dad the majority of the time. This was the first thing that made this loss real. I held back tears as we packed the car and gave hugs to the family and buckled Carson into his car seat. We live just a few minutes away from his parents home and I knew I didn’t want to have “the crying face” when we got there. You know, the red watery eyes and pink runny nose look. So I kept thinking of happy things that had nothing to do with Carson.
Of course, Carson was happy to see his Mom and it really does help to see his joy and her joy to be together again.
The first 5-days without Carson were difficult, but it was actually pretty easy to distract myself or stuff away any thoughts or feelings of missing him. At one point, I realized this isn’t the healthiest way to grieve, so I made the choice to put forth the effort to allow myself to feel the sadness and ache and grow from it instead of acting like it isn’t there.
Maybe the most difficult experience I had was when I went to go pick up “Maggie” from her family visit. I was stopped at a light and there he was getting off the bus with his Mom. He was living everyday life without us and as I watched his mom pulling him along the lyrics on the radio sang, “Hold on now don't you blink or it's gone” and the ache overwhelmed me and tears began to well up and I tried not to blink.
As we approach this road of grief, Paul and I talk a lot about it. We share our feelings and thoughts everyday. And I think having Maggie with us helps with our perspective too. Carson isn’t our sole concern and she reminds us with her beautiful smile and adorable coos that life is bigger than our problems and grief. She reminds us that there are many other kids out there who still need help and even in our sadness we can still attach to them and love them and help them too.
That song I was listening to had lyrics that also sang:
Love is beautiful and true
Life is beautiful and new
Life is beautiful and new
While it isn’t a song I would play regularly to help me through these stages of grief, I agree that loving Carson has been beautiful and true and life is still beautiful and new.
I have been learning so many new things in life as a foster parent, I can now almost relate to people who say they could never do foster care because they would get attached and wouldn’t be able to give the child back. Except that I would totally do foster care to know a kid like Carson.
Monday, July 29, 2013
When Boo Boo Buddies Aren't Enough
We've written in previous posts about the mysterious healing powers of "Boo Boo Owl" and "Boo Boo Elmo," but we've learned that even these are not entirely sufficient for all of "Carson's" owies.
The other day Carson was trying to help me load some things into a truck in the driveway. And by "helping" of course I mean "getting in the way." He also decided that it was a good day to wear his rain boots that are about 2 sizes too big for him. I think we can see where this is going, and it was not long before he tripped over my feet, stumbled in his rain boots, and did a slow motion fall on the driveway where his knees hit first, his arms half braced his fall, but he ended with a face plant. The 3 or 4 small scrapes on his nose produced some crying, but the magic of a boo boo buddy, a drink, and a healing kiss from Monique made him forget about the incident in a few minutes and he was back to playing, minus the over-sized rain boots.
Ordinarily, I would chalk this up to a lesson learned about balance and shoe choice, but that's not quite how the foster system sees it. Thus, we have learned one more way that foster parenting is not quite the same as regular parenting. We have come to discover that the foster parenting system is incredibly concerned with the physical safety of foster children. This makes a lot of sense since physical safety is why most kids are probably removed from their homes, and if the foster homes are not safe then the system has failed. And while the system would love to assume that all foster parents are loving and very concerned about the safety of foster children, this, sadly, is not the case. So the way that the system makes sure kids are safe is by extensive documentation.
This means that while my parenting sense told me that boo boo buddies and kisses were a sufficient way of dealing with Carson's scrapes, the system required more. We needed to notify Carson's social worker about his scrapes, and also our licensing worker. The social worker is primarily concerned with Carson, while the licensing worker is primarily concerned with us as foster parents. Our licensing worker has highly encouraged us to notify her of all injuries to Carson that leave a visible mark. This is partly so that she can make sure we are keeping Carson safe, but also for our protection. If a birth parent complains about Carson's treatment or makes an allegation of abuse, it is very beneficial if the licensing worker has already heard about any injury and documented it. For further protection, it is also highly encouraged to take Carson to the doctor so the doctor can document every injury that leaves a visible mark. The licensing worker's point in encouraging all this documentation is that while she has met us, seen our home, and knows that we are wonderful people, others who don't know us and only see what is alleged or written in a file don't know how wonderful we are and documentation would protect us.
Taking a 1 and a half year old, a fairly clumsy one and half year old at that, to the doctor for every visible injury is certainly a time commitment. But we've also discovered an unintended consequence of doing this. Now, when foster care workers and doctors look in Carson's file they see a pattern of injuries. So when we called to document Carson's scrapes on his nose, we were told that it was worrisome that he has had another injury after we just reported a bruise on his face about 3 weeks ago. What is supposed to be a record of how well we take care of Carson is also a record of all the injuries he's received under our care.
We also learned that the purpose of the doctor's visits is not so much to make sure Carson is okay, but to give the system documentation that the injury is not the result of abuse. This left me explaining to the doctor at our last visit that I need her to fill out a form not just listing Carson's injuries and suggested treatment, but saying that the injuries are consistent with my story of how it happened and not the result of abuse. Well, even I realized that foster parents asking a doctor to write a note saying they are not abusing the child really does not sound good. Now the doctor is slightly suspicious of this foster parent, and this coupled with the medical office's record of Carson's injuries that I have brought him in for makes the doctor wary. The doctor, not wanting to be the one who failed to spot abuse, now writes that while Carson's injuries are consistent with my story, the frequency of his injuries is concerning. How will the other foster workers respond when the doctor "confirms" their worry about the frequency of Carson's injuries? We're not sure yet, but we'll see. I understand that doctors and social workers want to protect themselves (and the child) by being extremely vigilant and cautious, it can just be a little discouraging to be the object of this vigilance.
While we don't really like the hassle of all of this documentation, or the climate of suspicion we feel like we live in, we really do want the system to be wary when it comes to the safety of some of the most vulnerable members of our society. Abuse happens in the foster care system and we need to do everything we can to prevent it. We certainly don't like feeling as if the system is out to get us and that the more injuries we report the worse we look. But our hope is that as we develop better relationships with social workers and doctors this suspicion can be lessened. Yet with a system as big and complicated as the foster care system, we really do hope that some healthy suspicion remains. So for now I find myself in the ironic position of the being the slightly overprotective helicopter parent, not so much because I don't want Carson to get "owies" that are fixed with kisses and cold-packs, but because I don't want to have to document one more injury.
The other day Carson was trying to help me load some things into a truck in the driveway. And by "helping" of course I mean "getting in the way." He also decided that it was a good day to wear his rain boots that are about 2 sizes too big for him. I think we can see where this is going, and it was not long before he tripped over my feet, stumbled in his rain boots, and did a slow motion fall on the driveway where his knees hit first, his arms half braced his fall, but he ended with a face plant. The 3 or 4 small scrapes on his nose produced some crying, but the magic of a boo boo buddy, a drink, and a healing kiss from Monique made him forget about the incident in a few minutes and he was back to playing, minus the over-sized rain boots.
Ordinarily, I would chalk this up to a lesson learned about balance and shoe choice, but that's not quite how the foster system sees it. Thus, we have learned one more way that foster parenting is not quite the same as regular parenting. We have come to discover that the foster parenting system is incredibly concerned with the physical safety of foster children. This makes a lot of sense since physical safety is why most kids are probably removed from their homes, and if the foster homes are not safe then the system has failed. And while the system would love to assume that all foster parents are loving and very concerned about the safety of foster children, this, sadly, is not the case. So the way that the system makes sure kids are safe is by extensive documentation.
This means that while my parenting sense told me that boo boo buddies and kisses were a sufficient way of dealing with Carson's scrapes, the system required more. We needed to notify Carson's social worker about his scrapes, and also our licensing worker. The social worker is primarily concerned with Carson, while the licensing worker is primarily concerned with us as foster parents. Our licensing worker has highly encouraged us to notify her of all injuries to Carson that leave a visible mark. This is partly so that she can make sure we are keeping Carson safe, but also for our protection. If a birth parent complains about Carson's treatment or makes an allegation of abuse, it is very beneficial if the licensing worker has already heard about any injury and documented it. For further protection, it is also highly encouraged to take Carson to the doctor so the doctor can document every injury that leaves a visible mark. The licensing worker's point in encouraging all this documentation is that while she has met us, seen our home, and knows that we are wonderful people, others who don't know us and only see what is alleged or written in a file don't know how wonderful we are and documentation would protect us.
Taking a 1 and a half year old, a fairly clumsy one and half year old at that, to the doctor for every visible injury is certainly a time commitment. But we've also discovered an unintended consequence of doing this. Now, when foster care workers and doctors look in Carson's file they see a pattern of injuries. So when we called to document Carson's scrapes on his nose, we were told that it was worrisome that he has had another injury after we just reported a bruise on his face about 3 weeks ago. What is supposed to be a record of how well we take care of Carson is also a record of all the injuries he's received under our care.
We also learned that the purpose of the doctor's visits is not so much to make sure Carson is okay, but to give the system documentation that the injury is not the result of abuse. This left me explaining to the doctor at our last visit that I need her to fill out a form not just listing Carson's injuries and suggested treatment, but saying that the injuries are consistent with my story of how it happened and not the result of abuse. Well, even I realized that foster parents asking a doctor to write a note saying they are not abusing the child really does not sound good. Now the doctor is slightly suspicious of this foster parent, and this coupled with the medical office's record of Carson's injuries that I have brought him in for makes the doctor wary. The doctor, not wanting to be the one who failed to spot abuse, now writes that while Carson's injuries are consistent with my story, the frequency of his injuries is concerning. How will the other foster workers respond when the doctor "confirms" their worry about the frequency of Carson's injuries? We're not sure yet, but we'll see. I understand that doctors and social workers want to protect themselves (and the child) by being extremely vigilant and cautious, it can just be a little discouraging to be the object of this vigilance.
While we don't really like the hassle of all of this documentation, or the climate of suspicion we feel like we live in, we really do want the system to be wary when it comes to the safety of some of the most vulnerable members of our society. Abuse happens in the foster care system and we need to do everything we can to prevent it. We certainly don't like feeling as if the system is out to get us and that the more injuries we report the worse we look. But our hope is that as we develop better relationships with social workers and doctors this suspicion can be lessened. Yet with a system as big and complicated as the foster care system, we really do hope that some healthy suspicion remains. So for now I find myself in the ironic position of the being the slightly overprotective helicopter parent, not so much because I don't want Carson to get "owies" that are fixed with kisses and cold-packs, but because I don't want to have to document one more injury.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Our Foster Family 5 for Friday! Vol. 3
{This post is intended to share the Top 5 highlights (good, bad or in-between) of our foster family's journey for the week.}
1. "Carson" had his 1st overnight visit tonight!
We prepared a detailed bed time routine outline for his parents to help make the transition as smooth as possible. We talked with Carson about having a 'night night' at Mama and Dada's then we let him help us pack his bag. He picked his blankie and stuffed animal and shoved them into his backpack. Overnight visits mean you drop him off in the morning and pick him up the evening of the day his visit ends. This one is a one-nighter but the future schedule is two-consecutive nights a week at his parents.
It kinda seemed like a regular visit when I dropped him off but I knew deep down I was about to go the longest time without being with him since he first stepped his wobbly legs into our home. My eyes teared up a bit as I drove home knowing that the distance between us only grows from here.
2. In addition to Carson having his overnight visit, today was the roughest day in Our Foster Parenting Journey. The details we'll leave for another post...(yay, a post besides "5 for Fridays"!) Up until this point, we have had difficult days learning to adjust, having to discipline and deal with tantrums and aggression after visits, sleepless nights, awkward interactions with parents, etc. but today was one of those days that you would rather not be a foster parent at all. Where you want to pull out the white flag and climb the highest mountain top and wave it fervently. A day you want to spend crying and venting to your compassionate and caring mom all your hurts and fears about foster parenting. A day that makes me so grateful for my husband who is even keel and can spend the entire afternoon talking with social workers and placement workers to deal with an angry birth parent and not allow it to affect his attitude or demeanor in a negative way. As I sit here and type all I can do is breath a sigh of relief and think, whew, I am just glad the day is over and a brand new day that history hasn't yet written and is filled with new mercies and graces...begins tomorrow.
3. Now, if you knew Paul you would know he doesn't usually come across as a guy who does cute things, but the wonderful thing is, he does cute things everyday. One cute thing he did this week is he picked out Carson's outfit for the day specifically to match his outfit for the day. (He doesn't even like to match me!) I usually pick Carson's outfit but with "Maggie" I sometimes get too busy to. So lately Paul has had the opportunity to change Carson out of his pajama's. One morning he was really excited because he came up with the brilliant plan to have them both match. And they spent the day together looking like this:
4. Maggie has learned to sit up from a laying down position! Each morning she has been sitting up saying "nay nay nay nay" intermixed with whines and occasional cries. One morning she was even sitting up facing our bed and waving both of her hands in the air while "nay naying". She likes to scoot everywhere and it's just a matter of time before she is crawling everywhere. She also learned the skill of eating solid foods without pushing the food back out with her tongue. This has helped meal time be a lot less messy and more worthwhile for all of us! ;)
5. We visited our county's Foster Parent Association this week. What an amazing resource! The president of the association was there and she has fostered over 300 kids! Talk about a source of knowledge and experience. We walked out of there with 4 pillow pets, pajama's and shoes for Carson, a "Welcome Bag" full of clothes, toys, and blankets, for Maggie and a new appreciation for our community.
6. Carson used the toilet (potty) for the first time this week! He was telling us before he pooped that he had to poop, so we thought we mine as well use that to our advantage. As I was getting the bath ready I sat him on the toilet and he pee'd in the toilet like he does it everyday...well, he does pee everyday but not while on the toilet! He just sat there and didn't even tell me, he just waited until I was ready to put him in the tub. His potty plays a song when you use it and so the song kept playing over and over. He got really excited when I let him pick an M&M but I don't think he really knew why he was getting such a sweet treat.
7. Maggie cries....no she screams every time we give her a bath. It's a pretty miserable 10 minutes. Our niece who is almost a year old was in the bathroom with us as we were preparing the bath and it looked like she wanted to go in and her parents said it was okay if she went in, so Maggie and her foster cousin took a bath together and Maggie loved it! She even laughed and smiled, which is something we never thought we would see her do in a bath tub! Our bathtub secret weapon is our niece and it helps out our sister-and-brother-in-law because they get a "free clean kid pass". It's win-win-win all around!
1. "Carson" had his 1st overnight visit tonight!
We prepared a detailed bed time routine outline for his parents to help make the transition as smooth as possible. We talked with Carson about having a 'night night' at Mama and Dada's then we let him help us pack his bag. He picked his blankie and stuffed animal and shoved them into his backpack. Overnight visits mean you drop him off in the morning and pick him up the evening of the day his visit ends. This one is a one-nighter but the future schedule is two-consecutive nights a week at his parents.
It kinda seemed like a regular visit when I dropped him off but I knew deep down I was about to go the longest time without being with him since he first stepped his wobbly legs into our home. My eyes teared up a bit as I drove home knowing that the distance between us only grows from here.
2. In addition to Carson having his overnight visit, today was the roughest day in Our Foster Parenting Journey. The details we'll leave for another post...(yay, a post besides "5 for Fridays"!) Up until this point, we have had difficult days learning to adjust, having to discipline and deal with tantrums and aggression after visits, sleepless nights, awkward interactions with parents, etc. but today was one of those days that you would rather not be a foster parent at all. Where you want to pull out the white flag and climb the highest mountain top and wave it fervently. A day you want to spend crying and venting to your compassionate and caring mom all your hurts and fears about foster parenting. A day that makes me so grateful for my husband who is even keel and can spend the entire afternoon talking with social workers and placement workers to deal with an angry birth parent and not allow it to affect his attitude or demeanor in a negative way. As I sit here and type all I can do is breath a sigh of relief and think, whew, I am just glad the day is over and a brand new day that history hasn't yet written and is filled with new mercies and graces...begins tomorrow.
3. Now, if you knew Paul you would know he doesn't usually come across as a guy who does cute things, but the wonderful thing is, he does cute things everyday. One cute thing he did this week is he picked out Carson's outfit for the day specifically to match his outfit for the day. (He doesn't even like to match me!) I usually pick Carson's outfit but with "Maggie" I sometimes get too busy to. So lately Paul has had the opportunity to change Carson out of his pajama's. One morning he was really excited because he came up with the brilliant plan to have them both match. And they spent the day together looking like this:
4. Maggie has learned to sit up from a laying down position! Each morning she has been sitting up saying "nay nay nay nay" intermixed with whines and occasional cries. One morning she was even sitting up facing our bed and waving both of her hands in the air while "nay naying". She likes to scoot everywhere and it's just a matter of time before she is crawling everywhere. She also learned the skill of eating solid foods without pushing the food back out with her tongue. This has helped meal time be a lot less messy and more worthwhile for all of us! ;)
5. We visited our county's Foster Parent Association this week. What an amazing resource! The president of the association was there and she has fostered over 300 kids! Talk about a source of knowledge and experience. We walked out of there with 4 pillow pets, pajama's and shoes for Carson, a "Welcome Bag" full of clothes, toys, and blankets, for Maggie and a new appreciation for our community.
BONUS FRIDAY!!!!!
Caution contains "Bathroom Talk"!
6. Carson used the toilet (potty) for the first time this week! He was telling us before he pooped that he had to poop, so we thought we mine as well use that to our advantage. As I was getting the bath ready I sat him on the toilet and he pee'd in the toilet like he does it everyday...well, he does pee everyday but not while on the toilet! He just sat there and didn't even tell me, he just waited until I was ready to put him in the tub. His potty plays a song when you use it and so the song kept playing over and over. He got really excited when I let him pick an M&M but I don't think he really knew why he was getting such a sweet treat.
7. Maggie cries....no she screams every time we give her a bath. It's a pretty miserable 10 minutes. Our niece who is almost a year old was in the bathroom with us as we were preparing the bath and it looked like she wanted to go in and her parents said it was okay if she went in, so Maggie and her foster cousin took a bath together and Maggie loved it! She even laughed and smiled, which is something we never thought we would see her do in a bath tub! Our bathtub secret weapon is our niece and it helps out our sister-and-brother-in-law because they get a "free clean kid pass". It's win-win-win all around!
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